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Well I guess the feeling is mutual, Jim-Bob

2004-04-09 - 4:47 p.m.

Well I could continue with the whole "Week in Bullshit" thing, but I don't have the energy at the moment.

I went into the lab today to test out that circuit board for Attila's project. As usual, something had suddenly come up: Dr. Zivago had a meeting that'd last "all afternoon". I went to get lunch and wash the waste of time out of my mouth, since there wasn't any other reason for me being there.

It was somewhere around biting a piece of orange chicken in half that Attila got my attention. He said he wanted to talk about something. From his other comments I thought that something'd gone wrong in his life. I was happy to occupy my time, so I agreed.

We got up to the 6th floor, went into the office and did the talking thing. According to him, there's alot of tension in the lab that's mostly centered around me. See, Dr. Zivago and I have this energy/relationship of two rams butting horns with one another. Attila also mentioned that "most people" in the lab seemed to follow his lead--basically implying that I was already an outcast, or approaching it. That part doesn't bother me so much. I've never bothered to get to know anyone personally, excepting Attila and during that exquisitely intoxicated lab party some months back.

Still, on that count, we eventually got to who was 'ambivalent' or 'hostile' toward me. Where Attila had originally given me the impression that most of the lab was hostile, apparently that boils down to one person--and I'm thinking that's just misinterpretation, since Kat assumed I hated her at first.

Then there were the Dr. Zivago-oriented comments. On wednesday, after I'd left, he mentioned to Attila and others that they'd gradually 'phase me out'. At first I thought Dr. Ziv meant this in an insulting way, but I'm thinking that it's just a practical consideration. After all, it's obvious I'm going to Madison and you have to have a gradual shift of duties. You get lack of training or chaos otherwise.

Of course, considering some other comments, maybe that 'phasing out' is more mean-spirited. I pressed Attila a bit more about other things Dr. Ziv has said. The good doctor has mentioned that I'm a "screw-up" and that I do more bad than good for the lab; apparently he says this 'alot' or 'whenever I come up in conversation'.

For some reason this has really gotten to me, in a "ruin your day" way. On the one hand, I'm ironically really disheartened that his opinion of me might be as low as my opinion of him, since I have kinda worked in his lab for 14 months with no pay, have gotten about 4 "Thanks" and 2 "good job"'s in my time there, and alot more yelling and general crap than I care to remember.

When my logic asserts itself, though, I realize that alot of these situations were beyond my control. For instance:

*Yes, a 6,000 USD Electro-Convulsive unit malfunctioned and emitted smoke after I'd pressed the shock button 5 times. Technically, I 'broke' it. However, the thing was a hand-me-down of a hand-me-down from the mid 1970's, and noone had checked to see if it worked the way it did. Further, I told Dr. Ziv what I'd be doing--which would've been the time to mention objections. I personally think the thing would have crapped out later on when we were testing animals--and there was not a chance in Hell I would have that happen. Still, that's a sore point for him.

*We haven't gotten any positive results for his Depress-U-Good drug study, which looks at how the immune system seems to be useful in causing depressive episodes. We've tried, but whatever effect that was there isn't anymore.

*In general, even now, I sometimes don't know where something is, how to do something, or what exactly Dr. Zivago wants. Attila described it as a 'bare-bones' strategy, where you get a vague idea about what he wants, do it, then get reprimanded or belittled if you don't do it the way he'd envisioned. This is why he ends up taking care of most things himself.

I'm sure this not knowing about this or that might contribute to the "screw-up" idea he has of me, but considering his approach and how often he changes his mind, I hardly see how I couldn't screw up at least every now and then.

But enough of that. Attila's main point is that there's no reason for me to stay in the lab now, even if he personally prefers that I stay there. He feels bad for me, since I get alot of ridicule and disrespect from Dr. Ziv, and how I'm probably not going to get anything out of it.

As I listened to Attila and nodded, it became very clear that my time has passed re: Discordia--it passed about 2 months ago, maybe 3 or 4. While I'm really bothered over the stuff Ziv has said about me, I'm more concerned about what else to do until August (which is when I plan on starting graduate school in Madison). Still, I suppose I can find a part-time job or something else to occupy my time. Really, if our research is going nowhere and I won't publish any papers with him, there is no point in staying.

The more I think about what Attila said, and the sincerity with which he said it, the more I kick myself for not getting out sooner. I was overly paranoid, thinking that quitting the lab might make Dr. Ziv tear up his letter of recommendation. Seems like he might be happy to see me leave, though, which seems weird. The guy thinks I'm a "screw-up", yet he writes me an at least decent recommendation letter?

I'm going in on Monday, working with Dr. Ziv to test that circuit board, and then I'm going to have a talk with him. I'll tell him about my acceptance, how I'm thinking about quitting the lab to focus on Madison..and then, finally, to get his face-to-face assessment of me. I want the coward to look me in the eyes and say what he's said in private, mostly so I can offer my side of the story. Won't make a lick of difference, but maybe I can get something out of the exchange.

As Attila mentioned, though, I could probably just stop going and Ziv wouldn't care. That's the one thing that always bothered me about Professor Jim-Bob: at the end of the day (usually 2pm for him), he just put things off or let things slide.

So for today I feel pretty bad, but hopefully all of this will lead to something good before I go off to Madison.

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