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Leaving the lab, part 1

2004-04-12 - 12:05 a.m.

I feel very scared about going in tomorrow and saying that I can't help with the lab anymore.

At first I'd thought listening to Dr. Zivago dissect me and my performance would be the hardest part.

But more than that, I've gone to that lab every monday, wednesday and friday for the last 14 months. I remember how elated I felt when I first found the lab, how it seemed to fill the void inside of me that was left by leaving college. It was somewhere to work and hone my craft, get experience, maybe make some productive discoveries.

As flawed and fucked up as the lab is and the arrogant monster who runs it, I'm not sure what I'll do after today. I'll stay in contact with Attila, I know that much; one of the few good things to come from being there. There are alot of different activities that come to mind: raising the capital to get photography prints and start marketting them, starting back up on my writing, selling/tossing 2/3's of all the paperwork and junk I own...many, many things to do until moving to Madison.

'Why didn't I leave sooner?' I sometimes think to myself. There was a partly good reason: not trusting Dr. Ziv and waiting until after I accepted the Madison offer. But that's too noble and far from most of the truth. I was comfortable in a queer way, like bending my feet down into a warm bog: I knew what to expect and do, and I had finally gotten a hold of the ins-and-outs.

So I won't miss the lab itself, just the notion that I could go somewhere and be productive.

But then, just like it reads in 'Children of Dune', you can't always expect protection from other things--sometimes you have to go out and save yourself.

So here's to you, Professor Zivago: you showed me exactly what not to be and what never to aspire to. You have horrified me like no living being, man or woman, that I have known before or may very well know hence. You will continue to shine on as an example to others, leaving the stains of your crass disregard for anything other than yourself and your foundationless arrogance smeared across countless people. Finally, may the essence, or spirit or what have you, of the hundreds of animals you needlessly 'sacrificed' in illegal and gruesome ways come back and help serve judgement upon you.

I do not know whether or not I will anonymously report you to the Animal Research Council, but in either case someone will come forward. No good gift deserves to go unrewarded.

So here's a piss in the pot and a spit in the sink for you. It's more than you deserve.

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