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Getting caught up and a little ahead..a little.

2004-09-21 - 11:13 p.m.

There's the other side to my time at Insanityville, of course, where the hours link hands with veiled handkerchiefs, passing along until an empty space is left--presumably where sleep goes.

I've had so much trouble sleeping well lately. It used to be that I woke up at 6:30am, around dawn..but now I've started walking up briefly at 4:40, or 7:00, long before my alarm is supposed to go off. It makes me feel groggy at first, but after 30 minutes I feel about my usual self. My eyes do get blood-shot as the day presses on, but I can't very well take a nap. That'd screw up the sleep pattern, and it's such an amazingly reliable one: sleepy at 11:30, exhausted by 12:30.

In my time here, though, I'm making decent progress. I was swamped at the beginning with that heavy load in both courses, but I'm decently ahead now. That might change, though, My advisor has me reading up on some chronic pain literature for a study he would like me to do, what with me 'probably twiddling [my] thumbs' over the 'light' course-load I have. True, I have more time now since I have my rhythm down, but I still wouldn't call it 'light'.

Honestly, even a month ago, if you had told me two 3 hour classes and learning monkey lab stuff would take up most of my time, I'd have laughed my ass off. I did 4 3 hour courses and worked 15 hours part-time in my freshman year of college. Took 14-16 hours (on the semester system) during most of my college years. I suppose graduate school courses involve alot more work, but I am still really surprised.

So far as the work itself goes, I got back my first statistics homework thingy; did well on it. I'm hoping it's reflective of how I'll do on the midterms (read: tests) and other bits. My emotions prof. make a crack at the end of class today about how nearly everyone, with one or two exceptions, had written a real 'thought paper' on the question of 'what are the core features of emotion that distinguish them from other psychological processes?'

Apparently my take on re-interpreting the readings and writing that to effect wasn't what he was looking for. I have no idea what a 'thought piece' is. I've never written one. I wrote what seemed appropriate. Still, he said that (apparently) the papers were written for ourselves and he wouldn't grade or comment on them, so he can take my 'textbook' paper and go fuck himself.

I have his class for two hours once every week. He's one of those guys who'll say shit for 30 minutes and then sortof kindof allude to wanting input or someone to say something brilliant, then get a little edgy if you don't agree with him or try to inject something original that isn't blatantly in his ballpark o' thought. He's gotten defensive every time I've brought up or said something, which I respect for the sake of being a critical scientist type and all--but he doesn't seem nearly so pushy or barbed with the few others who regularly contribute. So either I'm a fucking moron when it comes to emotion or he's being a dick for some reason. This is a seminar class of about 20, though, and I'm one of 6 people who regularly contribute--so at least I'm trying to appease him.

I'll be glad when the next class session is over. After that we get a new prof. teaching the last four weeks of this eight week course.

I can't wait.

* * *

So I have no personal life, basically. There's enough time where if I really put in the effort I could go out and photograph, or write, or organize my apartment so it doesn't look like a bomb went off. Something else just seems to come up, though. My DSL not working and me trying to do shit via a shaky wireless connection is a pretty constant time consumer. Random academic shit happens all the time, like going into The Lab tomorrow at 9:30 to get some training. I suppose it's all stuff that generally leaves your stomach irritable and your body tired.

But genuinely: I have no personal life here. There are other graduate students I can ask for help or that I work with in study groups, but like I've said: I wouldn't consider any of them to be friends. It's all about tackling this assignment or that chapter, which is fantastic itself--but a son of a bitch gets damned lonely sometimes. I've got enough of a loner side in me that I usually just brush it off, but it's gotten pretty bad sometimes. Usually being around people over at The Crypt coffee house is enough, but it's kinda hard to dodge wanting to know people in your local area that give a shit whether you live or die.

And I kinda miss that about California. Maybe I'm overly sentimental. Eh.

It's funny how this feels like college in a way, but yet it doesn't at all. For one it's not nearly as draining as I remember my senior year. I hope that trend continues.

* * *

There are some pieces of good news about old friends, though. My best friend from college, Adam, wanted to stop by here around the beginning of October. I'm trying to figure out what'll be happening then and if that's after my first statistics midterm. I hope it is. I've really missed talking to the guy, though seeing him again would feel just like it were yesterday. I feel that way about alot of my Oberlin friends. That makes me feel sad, so I'll stop talking about that.

There's also the prospect, sooner or later, of T being able to visit. I'm not sure if she's settled back in and found a place, but since we're both game for the idea I figured maybe mid-December might work--before I go to Detroit for the gallery shows. True, there was the comment my Mom made about wanting to get me at ticket to visit for late december, but fuck: I was just in California; hopefully that won't be an issue.

On a semi-related note, I know some of you are slightly annoyed or miffed that I haven't been around or replied to some notes. All I can say is I'm trying the best I can and it's nothing personal.

* * *

Hrm, this took 15 minutes longer than I thought, but I've got most of the chronic pain article read, so perhaps I can leave the last 6 pages for tomorrow. All I've got is one more statistics question to do, after all.

I wish I could think of something more comprehensive, that'd give you a better idea of what I'm dealing with, but I'm not in that mode right now.

Anyway, I wish you all well.

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