Bryan. While I very much like the guy, he was the last person I expected to get recognized on a national level. He's likely as surprised as I am. That isn't contempt talking, just his self-professed lack of really caring about grad school and ambition.

That itself sucked. Reading later on that two people I know actually got the fellowship added insult to injury.

I've been in research since I was a sophomore. I ran a lab at Mt. St. University. I coordinated with other students (read: kinda ran a lab) in doing work at my Alma Mater.

My proposal essays were good.

And I'm a fucking minority. I'm part American Indian. You don't get more oppressed minority brownie points than that in this country.

It is truly, rationally beyond me: How in the hell could someone like me not even get honorable mention? The only thing that occurs to me is that my proposal was considered too clinical psych. That's automatic grounds for disqualification. Next time around I'll throw around "emotion" everywhere.

I'll see what I did wrong this coming May 2nd, when the reviewer score sheets are available online. Until then, I'll assume I just hadn't hid my clinical intentions well enough.

I still can't fathom what utterly stupefying error I could have made.

Of course there is still the Fjord Foundation fellowship. Here's why there's not a chance in hell I will get it:

1) It's open exclusively to minorities.

2) It's open exclusively to minorities.

3) All disciplines are included -- Humanities, social sciences, physical sciences, anything.

4) There are 60 awards given out nationally.

Why did I apply for a fellowship I didn't really stand a chance in hell of getting? Well I thought I might just be that competitive at the time. After this first fellowship debacle, however, I very much doubt I'll fare better in a far, far more narrow competition.

So my advisor and I talked today for about an hour re: solutions. I'll be reapplying for the nat'l science one definetely, probably not the Fjord. Since I'll have some pilot data and my first main experiment done by december of this year, I'll also go for a Nat'l Insane Health fellowship. That's a way more complex, far less forgiving, extremely hard fellowship to score.

But as it is, I'm willing to put in the work if I can get the money--more importantly if I can just put whatever it is down on my resume/CV.

The early part of today was a flurry of activity. I got in around 11:10. I took care of confirming some experiment related stuff, made sure my experiment calendar for the rest of the semester worked, etc. I learned that I needed to push back the baseline blood draws for today back to wednesday. The reasons made sense: making sure the calendar got out to everyone, recruiting people ahead of time to help (though I coulda sworn I'd asked Deborah last week)...and kinda sorta needing to get all legal to spin down blood to process it. You wouldn't believe the shit we have to go through to work in a biological safety hood.

So just to get that damned biosafety training out of the way, I went through the arrogant little website and learned all about different kinds of hoods, chemical benches, etc. Most of it was common sense stuff.

Around 11:30 I met with Dr. C about some experiment related stuff.

We talked, got into chat mode, and yakked about experiment stuff. He mentioned another good reason for not doing baseline draws today: there was a meeting at 1:30pm. A lab meeting. I hadn't realized it was one of those, but I mentioned that I probably couldn't make it. Why? Y'see, today, I had it set up so that I'd be doing an hour long baseline behavior observation on my first pair of monkeys. I figured I needed to, I don't know, stick around for that or something. Dr. C mentioned I could just leave the camcorder to record, stay in the lab meeting, then turn the cam off at the 1 hour mark.

I figured it was from the lips of the lab director himself, so who was I to argue?

Somehow we ended talking around 12:10. We realized this, and he mentioned that you aren't penalized for being absent from the area group seminar. Of course I should still go, he said with his usual smile, and not to take my example from him (since he never goes to them).

With that thought in mind, I decided to work on that biosafety crap and ditch the seminar. I had good reason for this: it's best not to show up at all than to be late; people remember you being late. So I shot an email to the coordinator, one which'll likely never get read. I figured officially excusing myself was good.

So with that pain in the ass outta the way, I figured I'd start on the good stuff--the baseline behavior recording. And so with equipment in hand, lab coat on, I walked down the hall. My phone buzzed in my pants. I answered.

Me: "Hello?"

Unknown Female: [amused] "Hello?"

Me: "Yes?"

Unknown Female: [more amused] "Yes?"

I'd won an all expenses paid trip to WTF Island.

For some reason I'd thought it was Ams, one of my undergrad assistants, but then I picked up on the southern aspect of the accent. Was it who I thought it was? I continued with something about being at work and if I could call her back later. We agreed on a time. She asked me if I knew who it was. I'd grown in certainty on this, wished her well using her name, and hung up.

I hadn't expected that at all, but hearing from her made me feel better.

In terms of the monkeys, everything was simple: test the camcorder in the blood draw room next door to make sure it works; move as calm but quick as possible into monkey room, set up cam, position cam right, set to record, and quickly move out of the room.

It was pretty tight--and later on, from looking at the recording, the monkeys were only weirded out for about 5 minutes.

The lab meeting itself was a lab meeting. One nice thing about this lab is that the meetings are productive. And you don't suddenly get pelted with the weekly Dr. Zivago delusion of grandeur (*COUGH*electroshock therapy for fucking rats*COUGH*). Today I learned how to filter and sort shit in MS Exhell. That was some tasty stuff. I also learned about this giant health project thing that grew from a survery into this huge study about middle aged and elderly amerikans. Our lab takes care of the bio. aspect of the study. I'm not involved in the study, but we do get first dibs on the data.

So meeting over, observation over, talk with Dr. C about financial shit over, and blah blah blah blah..I had dinner, felt annoyed and slightly self-pitying, then updated because I'm slightly ahead of schedule.

All in all not a bad day. Not a good day, but not a bad one.

EDIT:

And for your amusement, I wrote this today at 1:30am while trying to help a friend of mine.

"Has he grown ring-tailed lemurs on his buttocks? Has he called himself the bird king?"

To this second I have no idea why. I'm famous for my advice. Just ask anyone who knows me, or my two dozen exes.

If you caught that, you're cool.

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