To start, some of you know more about my spiritual pursuits than others. As with many aspects of my life, I keep these hidden for simplicity sake. I prefer to let people read into me whatever they wish, which ensures that I stay within their zone of comfort. Perhaps that sounds condescending or duplicitous. It is, however, my style, and I prefer harmony to the glow or glare of illumination; that can come with time.

That said, I want to share something with you.

As a child, my mother introduced me to what I'll loosely call Shamanism. Briefly, this belief system holds that certain people can enter altered states of consciousness, or other..places altogether. These people do this to gain insight or to call on aid, specifically for the benefit of others. Some shamans exclusively communicate with the dead. Some work with what many call 'totem animals', 'animal guides', or 'animal spirits'. I seem to have the..benefit of being bothered by/having access to both them and other critters.

In ways and at times I won't talk about, I have tried to use this kind of understanding. It is less of a conscious, thoughtful choice and more of a compulsion driven by thoughts and feelings I can't push away. When someone is truly in pain and wants relief, I can only shut it out for so long before immense guilt compels me to act. Sometimes it comes to me even when I haven't spoken with that person--manifesting as some annoying, scratching, pawing feeling that won't go away. I've thankfully gotten better at the equivalent of putting up a "gone fishin'" sign.

The most annoying thing about all this is that, for me, you never truly know. You never truly know if all you do, see, and accomplish in visions or elsewhere is just a trick of your mind, all in your head..or if there is something to it all. You never truly know if the clack of cold running through you, and the thousand eyes that seem to rove along you, are actually the dead...or just some cultural construct that naturally causes you to turn away from abandoned buildings, graveyards, places that make no sense (e.g. parking lots? WTF?), and certain houses with that peculiar 'stay away' vibe.

For a long time now, I've had reoccuring thoughts that constantly intrude on me. These thoughts almost exclusively relate to some totem animals I've known for awhile. A year or so ago, I finally put to death and destroyed Wolf Spider by impaling It on a spike. That stopped the webs and fangs and multi-faceted panels of eyes, the burrows in the dark and constantly being vigilant about blocking those images in my mind. That particular totem has stayed 'dead'.

I cannot say the same for the Great White Shark totem, however. My visions and thoughts about it had gotten worse over the last few months. I'd be doing something, enjoying scenery, and carrying on with my life--when suddenly, there it was. The visions and fear were simple: it hunted me, mouth and teeth bristling with fury, waiting and wanting to devour every aspect of me. And I could not let that happen. It sounds simple enough to fight away something like that, or ignore it. But for the hundreds of times I used imagery to deal with that totem, it always came back.

Ironically, we'd come to an understanding a year or two back. This symbolically and imagery-wise translated into it occasionally or semi-frequently appearing in my mind. And I would mount the creature, swimming underwater or along the ocean line. I rejected this and other truces from the past because..I'd begun to feel as if I were being dragged down by them, or that they meant to do me harm rather than good.

As it is, though, I've made another truce with the great white totem. And the unwanted thoughts of being hunted and mauled by that face and those teeth have stopped. I don't know what it means. I didn't surrender I believe, I just decided to stop fighting and accepted the totem for now. Perhaps I'm too cautious about dealing with these animal guide totem thingies. They are said to be a reflection of one's inner power, or fears that need to be overcome in order to develop that power. Personally, I feel sometimes that I exert too much influence as it is. I don't hunger for control or dominance over others, just myself--as much to stay disciplined as to keep myself, these totems, and other aspects in check for the sake of others.

And having made some peace with the most prevalent totem animal in my life, I do feel more peaceful. Today, for instance, I decided to walk around the main campus for awhile, then dip around the bike/hike path by the lake and forest. I even took my camera bag and snapped a few shots, despite the overcast weather. After that I went into a coffee place, ordered something, sat down, and just watched people. Normally I'm always in a hurry, but I genuinely didn't care about how much time passed. I was having fun.

So in the end, I suppose how much is solid reality real, in your head real, or made up in your head is of little consequence. By analogy, I guess you could drive or take a plane to New York City, but NYC is the same destination either way.

The paranoia and fear surrounding how I feel about my job tends to trump most everything else. But, at least, I have one less thing to be afraid of.

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