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Politics this Week!

2006-01-20 - 12:00 a.m.

Look, on the webpage: it's an entry! It's a waste of time! It's...

Politics This Week!

(Ba-dah-dah-dum-bum-da-da-dah!)

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In our top story this evening, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice successfully paralyzed Iranian nuclear development by pointedly staring at them. Iranian President and handcream salesman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad expressed concern. "Who knows what in the hell that bitch is capable of," he swore, "It's like that scene in Scanners. Just look at her!" General Peter J. Schoomaker, commanding general of the US Army, was upbeat. "We believe we have reached a positive and sufficient conclusion to this international situation. Condi can look like a cold raging bitch for months on end. Trust me."

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An unidentified giant metal penis was last seen spurting from Earth at pornographically high speeds this week. Authorities have not ruled out foul play, terrorism, aliens, or bored engineers.

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Dick said dick this week about the widespread NSA probe of millions of private domestic calls by U.S. Citizens. When asked about the Constitutional speedbump, Cheney commented, "our message to the American people is clear and straightforward: go fuck yourselves. Love, Dick."

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Saddam Hussein's half-brother vehemently objected to courtroom catering this week during testimony. "I will not eat this goddamn quiche!" He yelled. Saddam was purported to have said "Check please!" in agreement.

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Not losing a step with his charming courtroom escapades, Saddam at a later point during testimony indicated his chief lawyer, saying, "this son of a bitch gives fantastic back rubs."

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President Jorge Arbusto Jr. nearly cried like a bitch this week after seeing projected Republican losses in the house and senate. "I only wanted to be a dictator for the good of our country in a time of war in the war on terror because freedom is on the march," he explained, "To use this political aggression against my bitc--er, party colleagues would be unpatriotic and partisan."

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In the wake of Tom DeLay's permanent removal as house majority leader, Republicans edgily wondered if a human or a latex doll would best represent their leadership and vision. The race remains neck and neck.

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Senator Bill Frist completely lost his mind this week amidst senate deliberations, arguing with his hand and supplying its voice for 30 consecutive minutes. Foul play, terrorism, aliens, and bored engineers have not been ruled out.

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Gee.

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And finally, Senate minority leader Harry Reid attempted to blast Republicans over their suspected
'culture of corruption.' Reid instead advocated what he called a 'culture of lazy beltline incompetence', which would be ratified in the new Business As Usual Act offered by Democrats later this week. The measure is expected to receive widespread bipartisan support.

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