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Rejection

2006-01-26 - 8:52 a.m.

Ah rejection. Here we are again.

So after trying to follow along the path of breadcrumbs and barbed wire that Hill occasionally left, the amusement park ride finally came to a halt last night.

What she sent is conciliatory enough on the face of it: "Maybe in the end, it's less about you not being good enough for me, but simply not being for me." Be that as it may, I'm hurt, disappointed, and angry at her. I feel used. She was the one who originally brought up the dating prospect, which seemed to be saying that maybe, in some hypothetical universe, it could work. Prior to that she'd once commented that, if she were single, we probably would have dated for a long time.

And increasingly often, I would get text messages randomly asking me to prove myself. My friend said this, do you think you're good enough for me, did any of you really change because of what I did (that was a fun one when I was trying to have a good time)...and the list goes on. She has this thing with testing people and probing, but when I tried to probe around her for answers she'd get vague or not say anything. I know that silence all too well. And despite my swearing never to get involved in another situation where I got silence as an answer to important questions, here I am again.

I'd been fine with being her friend, occasionally snuggling, kissing, being really close to her. She made me feel cared for, and I felt like she was a great friend. She always listened and thought about what I'd said. We'd hang out about once a week, and there was a playfulness about being friends and yet being attracted to each other.

With the dating hurdles and feeling of constant judgment, however, that has changed.

I feel like whatever I try to do or say seems to have no effect on her--and she says the same thing about Sven. She's closed off in ways she's not willing to be open about. She keeps trying to push me away with subtle gestures, perhaps trying to see if I'll keep pursuing her. She said over an e-mail she actually gets clingy with people if she lets herself, with 'real' relationships to others...but that I was different because on occasion I'd just seem 'hopeless'...which she didn't make out to be as 'mean as she meant it.' It sounds like this is turning out to be a very old tune that I know all the steps to.

I don't even know why she suddenly said what she did. I knew we couldn't date, and she'd tell me the reason why whenever I seriously asked her...but I wanted to think that we could if it were possible. I knew our styles of dealing with people in general are different, that a lot of things are different which conflict. But then we're similar in many ways, and I really liked being so close to her. I think at a few points I almost started to love her. Not in love, but that rare kind of special.

Whether or not the friendship survives depends on if she'll open up to me about all this, really if she'll be my friend despite the rocky shit. I've progressively felt less close to her, embittered, wondering exactly what game we were playing and knowing that she made the rules. I hated and still hate how it seems like I have little or no control in the friendship, where she can ask me to answer anything or do anything but there are several restrictions she has on her end...or where she doesn't answer.

So rejection fucking sucks, but maybe if we work together we can get back to where we used to be. I'm not sure what she wants, though. I suppose if people stop being friends there's a reason behind it...and if the long stretches of silence happen, then they do and it's pretty much that's that. But I want to think she's different, that I'm different and that I've learned something.

I'm getting too worked up over it. It'll just blow over and things'll be back to normal. I have to stop thinking the absolute worst is going to happen for a given situation, where the stimuli are ambiguous.

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