First half of my day: kicking ass and taking names in the lab. Doing everything right. Arranging things. Regulating. Feeling fantastic. I was the face of the graduate student experience for 15 McNair students interested in Psychology. All of them liked how I got at the truth of the matter instead of the same things I'd heard. Hell I said some stuff that faculty may have objected to (about seminar classes being graded easily). It was all wonderful.

Second half of my day:

*One of my dearest friends stands a good likelihood of dying in the near future (which I won't elaborate on).

*One of my friends is freaking out and there's not much I can do.

*The whole Detroit trip may be off. I'm still welcome, but I get a lot of indications I shouldn't go. I worked like hell to get this week off, and I learned today things weren't as smooth as they seemed. I'm on the fence about it. If anything I do want to visit the city itself again. The weather sounds horrible. It's too bad. I wanted to spend at least one night in that burned out house. There's nothing dangerous in it, I figure. I check back on occasion in that regard.

So maybe I should just go to visit the slowly rotting city sister I never had.

* * *

Now I know things that happen to me in one phase of the day can't possibly affect the other half, but doesn't this pattern seem to strangely happen whenever I have a good day? I'm not being sarcastic or bitter. It's just one of the damndest coincidences.

* * *

Ended up being that seven people called me today in the span of 2 hours. That never happens. Mixes of good and bad news. I don't know how to react to some of it. I'll go with numb grief for now.

* * *

My 'net connection has been on the fritz recently. It's the sporadic ham-fisted bullshit that start-up companies are fond of. I should boycott these children and raise some hell.

So I ended up getting a drink with Katie B. over at the Brocach. Beyond being more shocked than I am at some of the turns of events, we somehow got to talking about childhood. I think it was because I mentioned a barbeque I went to with Xtian, Dan, Katie C. and others. They'd described every childhood game they could think of. I recognized 2. This was likely because I spent most of my time indoors. But somehow I mentioned my not really being able to remember much of my childhood. She found this troubling.

(I just don't remember much. I remember very little if any of it being good. Just a series of musicians my mother dated, random band members, loud nights, walking by myself or sitting around playgrounds, and basically never setting down roots anywhere. That's been one of the themes of my life, both bad and good. At least I have some sense of stability doing it myself, instead of the inexplicable shifts accompanying whatever Mom did. Yeah, yeah I am kinda angry at her still.)

After a glass of Shiraz on my part and two things on hers, we sat at our usual spot on the top steps of the capital building. We talked about existential stuff. Looking at spirituality, otherwise incalculable things. She asked after why I didn't try incorporating my Shaman work into science. Jewish Post-Doc guy asked about this more broadly after we yakked about Kabbalah for fuck knows. I told Katie I'd have to be tenured before I could do anything involving stuff like that, or even the more broadly (and now broached) question of whether epiphenomenon with no known basis can exercise effects (e.g. prayer). But really: some things should be left to faith. I feel awkward as fuck talking about it with anyone BUT other practioners.

She also asked after friends in Madison, and if any of them were people I could hold. I said not a one. I asked her the same later after we amused over a couple near-fucking on the lawn of the capitol. She said no, musing that she wasn't really sure if she missed it or not. We said goodbyes and parted ways at her apartment complex. I walked back to my apartment.

I have since been mired in a sleepy, morose waking. Memo: I feel like shit. How does one make hospice plans (no, not for me)? Do I drive to Detroit? I'd planned on it for months, and things sounded fine before, but things definetely don't sound fine now.

I dunno. I'll sleep on it.

previous - next