Basically, I was in my afternoon seminar. I'd set up 4 people to do the afternoon blood draw. I had set up the supplies and everything the last time, because I'd asked if that was needed. This time around, no mention was made of it so I figured--which in hindsight seems dumb--that the senior scientist I'd coordinated with would do it.

And I got a long e-mail from my advisor. Saying what he usually does when I don't do things right. I'd loaned my logbook to the senior scientist to write down some information. And apparently it was looked through to the extent that, expectedly, there were additional concerns he mentioned in his e-mail about accuracy and detail in my lab book.

Not that I was ever told what was and wasn't critical information, but that's besides the point.

I had a long talk with the senior scientist where, just like to him via an e-mail, I said that I don't want to do another project like this current one. That with the current one, I want to move on to something else. He'd suggested such a thing the last few times I made a "serious" error. She thought it was a good idea. I got a lot of good advice from her, and I opened up about how I usually feel something between anxiety and terror and some low grade dread while I'm at the lab. I'm that afraid of screwing up, and then I get distracted and I forget to do something I'd intended--even previously remembered--to do.

The talk went very well with her. I can ask for help where I need it, that I don't have to try to do all the organizing and coordinating or other etc. bits on my own. I can't. Not with all of this other stuff, and there'll always be other stuff. Cold War can do it, and that's fine: that's what she does well.

But like Gabe said, there's no shame in admitting that the paradigm you're currently working in doesn't work out for a long term goal. And I agree. I've been emotionally, mentally, physically, and perhaps most of all spiritually drained by trying to do a project that plays on my biggest weaknesses. I try hard, but often times little or big things happen. And I feel more ashamed or more incompetent every time. And it builds. And builds. And I get more worried that people just see me as a liability.

On the plus side, my advisor won't throw me out of the lab. That's only ever happened once with a student who didn't work for months due to a bout of depression.

But I still need to get through this project. And the next week, when I have a final and a presentation.

I talked with Brian about all this. That helped some. His perception is biased toward the fucked up problems his advisor puts on him, so I think he sees some of the errors my own superiors may have made (e.g. not letting me know what degree of detail to keep for a lab book), but when I mention that they've also been understanding and patient.

And sometime after crying in my office for several minutes after talking to the senior scientist (out of shame in combination with her depth of kindness), I realized I've let a lot of my social ties drift.

Granted, I've been busy.

But in walking past a few guys shovelling their driveway, them saying hi, me saying hi, them wishing me happy holidays, and me back at them...I realized how shut off or cloistered I must seem. And I've taken on a lot of stuff and not really told people about it. Or dealt with some extremely hard, painful problems by myself because I didn't have either the time to tell people all the backstory or they were dealing with bad shit themselves.

In essence, then, I feel low. Lowest point I've been this semester. I have a little more to go, then 3 weeks where I can self-reflect. Recuperate. To see what my options are.

I've begun to seriously wonder what else I might do besides academia. Not because I'll get kicked out, but if this more often than not feeling of inadequacy and isolation and just plain hurt is worthwhile. I love the topics of research I'm interested in, but right now I just see all the negatives of it.

And, to be honest with you, it's all slowly killing me. I'm not exaggerating or being hyperbolic. I mean for the last 3 months I've felt gradually worse and worse on every level I can think of. I don't usually tell you, any of you, because it may help me feel better for a little while--but I still have to mend my own problems. And there are some things I just can't mention to people, not without them potentially overreacting. Some of the thoughts I have are not healthy.

I share when I can't bear it myself anymore, but maybe I should be more open.

God I feel like my blood has been replaced by lead.

Right now I can hear Brian talking to his wife about how he's even more pissed off about his situation now that he's hearing me going through about the same thing he is. He feels we're being unjustly treated. In part, maybe, but in part I've brought this on myself.

I'm toeing the edge where I'm considering getting on anti-ADHD (ADD) medication. It would help. It might also dull the artistic and creative side of me. I've fought so hard for so long to try to make it on my own. But increasingly, it looks like I might need to rely on a pill to do my job.

There's no shame in taking pills if your need is genuine. I guess I just thought I could function well despite my mental disorders. Increasingly, though, I'm starting to see just how disordered and life damaging they all are.

The dysthymia, the ADHD. Diagnosed with just the latter but I've seen the symptoms for the former. Had it since I was a child, I suspect.

I feel, think, and sense in terms of a void more often than not. I'm staring off into some deep portal, some place that has no existence. It's a frightening sort of numbness. I still feel normally some of the time, but this other thing has crept in, and it's growing.

My only consolation are the several things I occasionally think about that always bring me comfort. Plush red furniture against heavy wood accented rooms. Orbs of light at night. A woman with blonde hair whose face I can never quite make out, that on occasion meanders into my head, and somehow always reminds me at those times where I finally want to give up on finding someone. To a number of things I can't describe here for lack of time.

Time to go back to work. I have to plug my phone in. It's beeping due to lack of juice.

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