(Because I can vaguely remember what happened a week ago most weeks)

"It's an hour or so before bed, Brian has mysteriously come and gone or I just never noticed all this man shit before, and I already ran the usual 3 miles.

It's either time to update or do push-ups and curls. I guess my mind gets to masturbate this time.

(Click and go wash while this loads)

Gratuitous can be gratuity. Give a hear.

So there I was in a down-out fashion, head screwed up onto the side. I'd been driving for 2 hours in downtown Los Angeles. The parking structure rung with humming and shiny shoe clacks. The attendant gave me the alien look when I asked him about a wedding rehearsal.

Oh, next door.

When I suggested I'd just walk there instead of drive, he looked perplexed and disturbed. I looked back to my car, went, got my formal wear for the wedding that tomorrow, and weebled up out of some shopping pit onto the ground floor of glass wall paradise. The sun was falling off its barstool. Orange clouds webs spread like fishnets across the sky. I crossed traffic, spoke with a few black gentlemen about invading City Club, slapped a '54' button, and popped my ears on the landing to that great restaurant in the sky.

It looked like the reception area for a brokerage firm and an Elks lodge. Dark red leather tones and boring carpets held up pots, hordes of wine bottles behind glass (not for long if the open bar came up short tomorrow), all connected by a simple man's maze of corridors, hallways, tiny rooms. Pan's Labyrinth for out-of-shape well-to-do's.

But then there was a final nich, an arrowhead sanctum. The ceremony room.

It was like dancing on angels, a seraphic escalator catapulting my ass into the sky. Glass windows beamed in gold-orange strobes and sanguine outlines, threads of green and brown ivying all across the floor of this sacred space. And as the eye moved just right, the heavy dew point made a mist that crept along the building's brethren. We were among the heavens.

The people came into focus. I'd passed Amanda in the hall without any passing hello--but then I was now a thin, shaved bald thing as opposed to the younger critter with hair she may've remembered. And as I walked into that celestial chorus, I remembered my game plan: over-emphasize the distraught feeling, look pained but emotionlessly drained. S'pose it was either that (my default state), or allowing the celestial bevy to swing me around into perky mode. But no, staying solemn and dour seemed best.

Caesha and Daniel were there, with Carol yakking to the wedding planner, a 20-something blonde chick that looked like she was from Central Casting. I was introduced and looked sufficiently tired to warrant no words and a flicker of an 'Oh.....oh' smile. I hate pretty people with money. C & D had seen me on a previous occassion (see below or next post), so we'd been reacquainted. We made our way to the Omni across the street without much to-do.

...

I got wrapped up in reading about sexuality on wikipedia again. I'll re-edit this and add the rest later."

How time flies when you have guests over , 8 hour work days, and lots of hardcore screwing off to balance it out.

But back by popular requests such as "finish it!" and "do u update ne more?", here we go.

We entered into the Omni without much in the way of words. The procession ended along a wing of a wing, inside the sort of non-descript room hotels are famous for. Three large tables were arrayed around. I took a seat by the window, with Acacia and Daniel following suit. To my right was Julia of all people, who I didn't even recognize until she ventured a guess at who I was. Wow. She'd changed from my memory of her as a young teenager. Gone were the golden curled tresses and beaming smile, though the red-black short hair standing up thing suited her. She looked professional and restrained. There was something intrinsically different, too, though I only put my finger on it later. She was the first girl I loved/dated, y'see, hence the attention to detail. We summed about 6 years of history in 60 seconds each.

Somewhere around the soup, I went up to check my tie in a mirror and found Acacia waiting for me outside. She leaned in and asked if I was ok, if there was anything she could, and that she really wanted me to feel happy. She'd said something similar in the elevator, which was sweet. She's very thoughtful when people seem out of sorts. I definetely still was. I explained my whole driving adventure and then asked her why she seemed bothered. Without getting into too much personal detail (you know me), her father and company had done something to offend her Mom and make Christmas supremely awkward. The two of them have been separated but friends since I was 15 and first met them. So we commiserated, hugged, then I adjourned as Carol (her Mom) came to discuss some bits.

The dinner passed quickly. I mostly sat at my table and asked or answered the occasional question between water, bread, more water, a fabulous miniature chicken thingy, and a dessert that completely escapes my head. Taking after D & C, however, I went over to sit with the "All of Daniel's friends whom I vaguely know" table. They were all there (where this'll likely mean nothing except to me): Jim, his wife Stacy, Kelson who introduced me to Watchmen, his wife...ah...er, Jason who regularly laughed at my jokes in the past, Andrea, and I think that's it.

Conversation passed quickly. Nothing memorable.

We all eventually headed to Carol's PAD. This was not a hotel room. This was a miniature contemporary palace with a living room (!) bigger than the square footage of the house I rent. We'd come by to drop off our formal wear, order booze, and party.

The first part was simple.

The second part we all kinda stalled on. We decided champagne and vodka + cranberry juice was suitable. At this point I was like, 'drunk + driving back through downtown LA = no'. I was quickly relieved of that thought when Carol asked me if I was interested in taking a room that was left over in a bank of suites she'd reserved. It was free. It was local. It would ensure I wouldn't have to drive home, sleep, drive back to the Omni, get shit, etc. I thought about it all of 5 minutes and said yes. With that, the alcohol flowed--though I only had a few drinks.

We received gift bags, got instructions from Carol about the wedding day (which was the next day), and I got a minor bout of embarassment when she asked me to illustrate some point about the rehearsal--mostly so that I knew what I would be tomorrow that following morning. I'd already conferred with Jason a few times to get my 'walk slowly, turn the right way, stand' instructions.

The adults retired early, including Carol and her long-time friend, uh, Anthony's Mom. (Anthony had dated Acacia for years, cheated on her many times, married some cheap imitation of her, and now does maintenance of helicopters in Prague. The moms became best of friends. Hey, why not.)

Still, wasn't much of a party. We all had disposable cameras to snap stuff, which did help to make people silly. But most there were restrained. About the only highlight I can think of was talking to...Christ what's her name, Acacia's from from Reed. It largely doesn't matter, as we'd started a conversation that seemed interesting, but then fell flat after an annoucement. She had a decided air of quiet bossy smugness to her, mixed in with a liberal birkenstock tomboy feminine thing going on. Flapper-esque Fiona Apple.

I believe I also met her friend 'Hogan' later that night. I thought it was a bizarre name, but I'd later learned it was a nickname because Flapper-esque chick wanted to name someone using 'ho', because she's amused by ho-related words and things. Morgan, as I'd come to know her, was the sort who feel comfort in being painted as others wish them to be. It was understandable. She was that Irish type I can't help being very attracted to, but I figured trying to mack on someone at or around a wedding was in bad taste.

Oh right, there was also the revelation of that "dick in a box" video on YouTube. Acacia somehow always has a finger on up-to-date pop culture stuff like that: mildly offensive to some, funny as hell to the rest of us.

Let's fast-forward past faux-guzzling of vodka for pictures, empty chit-chat, and riding with Daniel and Carol to the hotel The Captain and I were staying at. It had a glass elevator surrounding by that plate glass water flowing on all sides deal, indoor topiary, and a high ceiling with columns. Carol checked me in, she wished us well, and then Daniel and I headed over to his room.

We talked for the next 4 or 5 some odd hours. Part of it centered around my congratulating him, reminiscing about the old times with and without Cyberia, who we were, who we are now, recent life crap, etc. Then there was our mutual recent realizations that, hey, we weren't gods of all we set out to do. The idea we had limitations was not easy to swallow, but like a wayward dorito's chip it's good when you finally can.

I also went into detail about my fear that I'd forget what I learned over vacation. As I explained to him, over the course of 2 1/2 years of grad school, I'd lost contact with a lot of people--some acquaintances, some dear friends, and those like Daniel and Acacia who I dearly and unconditionally love. I talked to my Mom or Gran only when they called every few months. In place of people, I'd become whole-heartedly dedicated to being a grad student. I'd become progressively more stressed out, more miserable because of lab tensions. I'd slowly forced myself to socialize more, but that social support partially gave when several people I'd come to know at grad school either left the city, faded away, or had become distant. In essence I'd re-invested almost all my self-worth in being a scientist and a student, and while half of it was content and alright/numbed ok, the other half hurt and hurt deep. I re-discovered over vacation in California that I had real roots I could rely on, people that truly loved my actual self and not who I seem to be. I began to have physical feeling sensations associated with emotion again. I felt like me. I felt human again.

And I was afraid I would forget again when I came back to Madison, just like I've un/intentionally forgotten a lot of things.

Daniel thought I'd be alright. I kinda knew I'd be, but it helped to hear it.

Partly related to the discussion about love and such, I explained some of what'd happened.

I think mostly we just enjoyed each other's company. We'd been best of friends since I was 15. I felt like I belonged for once in a long, long time.

Eventually, though, he had to go into a happy Xanax coma and I needed to fuck off and make out with sleep too. So I headed up to my room, admired the cityscape, thought Bladerunner thoughts, snapped a few probably dark photos, then pranced around naked and fell asleep.

Up next, the wedding day. Then some events pre- and post-wedding. I know I'm dragging this out a long while, but these were probably the two most significant days of my life in the past few years.

So bear with me.

Or get drunk, eat sushi, wear foam animal appendages, speak of days to come, then bear with me.

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