Regular programming commencing...

Young ones tangle in laughter and
smoking treats by the Maui bar roughly a stone's throw and a chicken crossing from me. I sit on my stoop, listening to Gurdjieff. Imagine somber piano music with cello accompaniment. Add 2 hours of sleep in the last 48 and I have entered the dreamy state my forebear lifetimes would be proud of. I sit on my stoop to avoid the gang-bang of noise and all too awkward noiselets of B. I have grown past tired and into exasperated at living in this duplex. I certainly know he has. I'm moving into another 1 bedroom unit in a quieter part of town starting August 1st, but it's barely soon enough. Where once it was a pleasant living arrangement, the bloom has faded from the rose of this arrangement. I preferred living alone, but I wanted to try something new. I did, and I happily thank myself for a good set of lessons before retiring to an islet of pornography and red Shiraz's. Moving back to live with myself will be nice.

Things with Emily are well enough. Did I tell you about the Detroit trip? I forget. Clicky, and clicky. Nope. Well that's a whole entry itself. For a zippy summary: we rented a car, drove there pleasantly, I met her folks and sis and bro pleasantly, went off to photograph downtown Detroit while seeing if Nicholas was well enough to do shit, came back to find the front passenger window busted in with nothing stolen, taking care of getting a new rental with Emily, learning how to play tennis, driving back and hauling ass in a mini-van, eating ribs and drinking a margarita at a restaurant that happens to be a franchise in Woodland Hills.

Emily and I had our first fight a few days ago. It was pouring outside. I'd taken her to do laundry, because the laundry machines in her building suck. We'd put everything in the car. Her small 5 apartment building is only accessible by a 1 car wide hilly paved inroad, leading back to other spaces I'm not allowed to park in. I'd parked right in front of the apartment door to her complex. I was blocking the entry way for any cars that might come by. Emily asked me to get out of the car and help her with her clothes. Having had 2 dark ales while doing laundry at Laundry 101, I thought this was a stupid proposition. Surely someone would come by, get really annoyed, break in my windows, or report me to the parking authority, or just yell like an asshole. I said I was staying put. She emphasized that she wanted me to help her and was I going to. I just looked over my shoulder at her in that 'yeah uh-huh you're on your own I'm staying here.' So umbrella in hand, she picked up an entire handful of hangers and dodged inside, came out got more shit in an exasperated fashion, chucked her umbrella because it got in the way, then came back our for it. No cars. I went across the street to park and came back. She was monosyllables. I could tell she was upset but I was playing it cool. And when I was about to leave I asked her if she was still upset at me.

Oh Christ and holy Buddha I'd forgotten how emotional people can get.

She proceeded to emphatically state that she was and was very annoyed that she'd asked me to help her and I hadn't. She was on the verge of tears. My inner reaction was a combination of "you're this emotional of your clothes and you getting wet?" and "I really wish I didn't feel slightly drunk right now." Apparently I was supposed to help her take her stuff in, leaving my car to block traffic, that it would have only taken 3 minutes. I told her I hadn't had good experiences leaving my car blocking other people. I didn't tell her that I'd dealt with an inconsiderate motherfucker who did that very same thing and kept me in my own driveway for 30 minutes. Taking in her clothes would've taken 5 minutes, and I wasn't about to leave my keys in the ignition.

This boiled down to I'd been considerate of total strangers and not her. I understood the symbolism, sure. I tried to explain my position, but she was pissed off, still on the verge of tears, and using that female tone of voice where arguing will just dig you in deeper.

I know well enough from my mother that reasoning only gets you so far when someone is really pissed at you.

So I tried explaining myself, apologized, said I didn't mean to hurt her feelings or mean anything personal by it, apologized again for my lapse in judgment, didn't make a dent, wished her a good meal in with her gay friend Jason, then left. She slammed the door and locked it. It was around then that I wondered if she was as emotionally stalwart and care-free as I thought. That following day, yesterday, I'd emailed her to ask if I could take her out to lunch or dinner to do something nice. She was presenting for a committee the next day, and I figured it'd smooth things over.

Basically I drove out to her work to go to lunch with her, help her drop off mail, then drive her back. In getting to her work, she calls and says she's just going to go home. Can I drive her to her place, at least, then back to work to save her some time for her packed lunch hour? No. Strangely she asked me how close I was. 2 minutes by walking. She asked if I wanted to walk with her to her place. I agreed.

That was quite possibly the most awkward and uncomfortable 10 minutes of walking I've had in a good year or two. We go back to her place, she's sorting her mail she'd meant to send away, she's washing dishes for some reason, and at around then things get heated again. You know me and intimate life details. Let's just say we resolved stuff after she yelled some. She was under a lot of stress, I said I understood that, I acknowledged my being there probably didn't help, but that she should focus on her work.

I think somewhere in my mind I wanted to get me out of the way for her so she could concentrate on work. Mostly I'd just wanted to help. At first I kinda did the opposite.

Story of my life. Make bridges from fire to land, burn bridges from wood to the sand.

Still generally feeling damn anti-social. I hate most of these sons of bitches about town. "Fucking hippies" is used at least 3 times a day around the hippie mecca I live in. They just bike in streets and prattle about ultra left wing whatnot, resembling overeducated teddy bears and talking too much.

See? Hater.

I haven't talked to most people I know in awhile. Too busy with work or photography or writing or Emily or doctors appointments. I finally missed one today. My CT scan of my sinuses. I finally found out that I'd had what's called vestibular neuronitis back when I suddenly got severe vertigo. It means my vestibular cranial nerve got a viral infection. Yes, you bet it sucked. Thankfully it's exceedingly uncommon to get this thing more than once or twice.

Anyway my CT scan. I've had chronic congestion since as far back as I can remember. It's not my nose, but the doc thinks it may be polyps or something else in my sinuses. To confirm what he suspected with the MRI, he needs a CT. I just completely forgot. Too busy trying to work for a living. Health care just takes too much concerted effort. I've long since abandoned re-contacting my dental office for my quarterly cleaning. Why it's every 3 months and not 6 I don't know, but I'm going to wait until I move before I get checked up again. I'm sick of dealing with the snide comments and well-meaning but totally unprofessional talk from the head receptionist. I mean fuck, I forgot two appointments in a row and suddenly I have to have a 10 minute phone call about whether I keep a calendar or not.

People require a hold button with an 'indefinite' function.

So yeah, can't stand dealing with most people nowadays. Irritate the hell out of me. That'd kinda explain why I'm writing a journal entry on my stoop for an hour now. Just so I don't have to walk through that door. Just so I don't have to hear the 'do do do' under the breath puffing thing my roommate does that drives me batshit fucko. I mean yes clearly this living situation is something neither of us want anymore. Could we ratchet the obvious awkwardness a tad?

See? Hater.

Then again maybe it's just a lack of sleep. I've had chronic insomnia for a straight week now. It's really bad. Starting to think I have to cut back on caffeine or not drink at night. Either of those seem to keep me awake. I need to stop by a Doc's and get some Coma pills. Then maybe I can sleep like normal people.

Ahhh, and all the young folk have scattered to the winds to fuck each other's brains silly after drinking.

I guess that's my cue to end this and go to bed. Goddamnit the television light is still on. What a godless piece of technological crap.

See?

Hater.

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