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The happiness of others disturbs me

2009-02-27 - 12:40 a.m.

First order of business: all of the guestbook entries that were as so many breadcrumbs for people seeking to do me binary violence have dried up. Unless hatred possesses some geek to pour through search engines, I think all is safe now.

There is that one individual that fucked with me awhile back, but they'll get theirs when I'm ready to leave Madison. Oh how I've planned for their prolonged misery.

Ok. So a few people I used to know well seem to be doing, well, well. I am bothered by this out of jealousy. Whereas this person is doing ESL in the Middle East or someone else has bought a fancy camera and considered me an inspiration, I do the same things now that I did six months ago.

The economy is not conducive to semi-liquidity motherfuckers buying art, so I haven't done anything with it in months.

I spend half of my day in varying degrees of anti-health raging anger at the setbacks to getting where I need to be career-wise. Sure I'm making great progress now, but not a day or even a 30 minute period passes by that I realize my prof. comes occasionally close to wrecking my career for astoundingly confusing reasons.

I haven't been able to go out to the Inferno in over a month. I like it that I haven't had a completely dead weekend in over 2 years. On the other hand, sometimes I want to listen to goth-industrial, get wasted, and dance with people I vaguely know before driving home drunk and sleeping with the computer on.

I assume that if they sound happy, they are constantly happy. I have suddenly realized that it is all likely a show.

Yet it still pisses me off.

Had several deep friendships, but through mutual or auto-responsive reasons I chose art, writing, and Emily as my main recreational past-times. Everything else became like sideview mirrors, lost in the Arizona desert while Red Sparowes played and the sky died.

I am alone sometimes yet never lonely.

The strangest thing about having more physical than electronic friends is that, contrary, it isn't better. Advantages and disadvantages.

Kinda miss the life I took out back and shot on its knees. Buried it beneath the tree I sit under to watch the stars.

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