Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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Ready for it to be over 2010-02-01 - 10:35 p.m. 
I tire of Wisconsin like a motherfucker.Madison is a jazzy, pep-filled, cranked out petite 5'3 Irish girl with infinite energy and spectacle. There are shows. There are bars. There are more bars. There are more restaurants per capita than anywhere in the United States. But work wise? I am nearing toward done. Regardless of whether I end up in Boston, Philadelphia, or Los Angeles, it will be a welcome change. I have dearly loved working in Dr. Silver's lab, don't get me wrong. But graduate school has been a long, long slog, and I am ready for it to be over. What'll happen I don't know. Where I'll go I don't know. Whether I'll be newly single or not I don't know. The basic future protocol is: yes--I don't know. But in roughly a month I'll know where I've been accepted, rejected, and if I have a job of some kind to get out of here. I think I'll most enjoy not having to deal with my PNI adviser anymore. We've never met eye to eye much. We've had differences over science, statistics, and plenty of petty, useless, frankly silly disputes. And I've learned, I've grown up, and I've come to the conclusion that I at first made a ludicrously BAD decision that happened to end up being GOOD through a strange, serendipitous series of events. I need change; from the things that seek to drag me down, to dissuade me with rate-limiting inconsequences. I've foregone every social network, almost every friend, and my old belief system for the most part for something that decently resembles a normal life. I'm okay with what I chose. I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night and feel something pressing down on me, even if I'm occasionally visited with dreams of dead children and other manifestations that are viscerally very different from normal REM sleep. I don't have to constantly wonder if the person I care about is in love, in like, or merely dabbling along, because I am in something comfortable without much of any deep, meaningful connection--and I like that. I don't have to constantly give advice because people don't know how to live their own lives, or understand the concept of gratitude or basic reciprocation. I am done with depth. Depth takes too fucking long on my schedule.I don't have to be real, pretend, or do anything overtly magnificent. I don't have to be a hero. I see a pool of options, I make an action, I drag everything else with me goddamn the consequences, and people and things follow suit. I will drag it all down into my maelstrom. I will seize power. I will make most actions with a mind toward a single goal, a simple plan, one thing. I don't know how it'll all go ahead, but I know the destination. I know the outcome. I know that no one can stop me from that one thing, no matter how many lies I must live or things I must bend to my will to do it. I will have it.
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