I take the personal "what the fuck do you have to lose if you love what you do" tact. I think if you've got the passion to pursue a Ph.D., and you're pretty convinced nothing is going to stand in your way, then go for it. It's just trying to make that reality salient that's the trouble, because scientists just like to talk about their research. And frankly if I were an undergrad and some bald asshole were going on about his own stuff, I'd tune out. I will make it funny and pertinent.

In other news, I finally drew a line in the sand regarding my co-director for the game project I've worked on for 6 years. I am not going to revise dialogues for the 5th time for chapter 1 because he re-read some set of lines and thought X. I do not care. We have 34 other chapters to implement. I am going to play the "I will leave this shit if you even think about trying this for every chapter" card every time. Engineers just have this anal retention, this need to hold their feces tight against their person and make every consideration and contingency just in case.

Ain't nothing doing. Without me, they are fucked. They know it. I know it. I am putting my foot down because I don't have the time, the interest, and especially not the patience to reformulate or re-write something because it may be slightly off upon a 5th reading. I stuck with the project largely because I invested half a decade into it. I am not re-re-re-re-rewriting something unless it's absolutely necessary.

Back to professional life. I defend my Ph.D. in 9 days. That is crazy. I need to get some sleep medication for myself, because otherwise I'm not going to be able to rest the night before. This should be fairly simple, I suspect. Call. Make an appointment with whomever. Explain the situation. Get the drugs. Yet it somehow seems altogether too difficult, like somehow a week ahead of time isn't sufficient to see a general practitioner and have the following conversation:

"So what can I do for ya?"
"Doc I have anxiety issues about major life-changing events that preclude me from sleeping like an intelligent person."
"Do you do yoga?"
"No."
"Do you do meditation?"
"No."
"Wouldn't it be better to try something without drugs?"
"I do not have the personality or patience to try anything related to relaxation when it comes to getting or not getting my Ph.D. I want a tranquilizer or narcotic to shut down my crazy ass. Period."
"Okey-dokey, 200mg of Lunesta. Here you go."

* * *

In other other news, I am not at all interested in having another girlfriend so soon after the last one. I am getting texted and otherwise conversed overmuch. There's too much happening in my life to worry about such a thing, regardless of whomever it is. So either I have to make my case known or be a little bitch and just ignore her. I am more for the former. The young part of one's life really is too short. If the hollow regime of work supersedes the wiles of personal contrivance, put a lance through the eye of that creature and make due with its convulsions while getting on with what must be done.

I just don't have any patience left for other people getting in my way right now. I don't care what bridges I have to burn or how old those bridges are, or what time I put into building those bridges. There is more important shit to be wrought at the moment in this motherfucker.

So this motherfucker is going to be wroughting something fierce until the day is done and the war is won.

In other other news, my old tolerance is back and pushing the envelope. Three 8.5% beers doesn't do it anymore. I made an express point about never going beyond this threshold. I know what happens after this toe-hold suddenly becomes a foot. I will never been the ridiculous fuck-head that my mother threw out on his ass because he lacked anything resembling responsibility. I will never be the alcoholic slut my father was. But when I get home, and there is nothing, and I just want that numbness, and all there is is my now old predilection, what is there to do? Switch to whiskey? Bourbon? That almost seems more detrimental. It's certainly not stress. I've been far worse off in the last month and certainly the month before that and most certainly before as well. It gives me pause. I have gone for a fourth beer twice in one week now.

I guess I play it by ear and try not to imitate the boondoggles of my immediate ancestors.

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