Today I continued revising my dissertation to quiet the hounds on my committee, baying for some by-gone era where I had nothing better to do with my time than smooth and polish the boulder I'd rolled so far up the hill. I also worked on deskulling some MT scans for the anemic monkey side project.

Finally saw the dentist this morning after a year and change. No comments, just pleasant chatter from a woman named Kristen or Kirsten. She knows Aparna, the undergrad who shuffled off to India to get some cancer yanked out and always had a moderately inappropriate way toward me. Between scraps and scratches there was talk of different camping places, what I did for a living, and etc. A young woman than I was expecting came in to give a dx about two small cavities. Apparently different parts of a tooth can begin to go. Must be a trait I inherited from my Mother. She has absolutely horrible teeth from years of not being able to pay for dental care or in sporadic installments.

I had a meeting with Jake and Nathaniel, two prospective undergrads who'd work on either the monkey neuroimaging projects or some human stuff to be started soon. They both seem eager and intelligent. I need capable people to start my mini-lab. They will do nicely.

Finally I went back to the lab at the VA, worked on finishing aggregating data for the 1st year grad student who was supposed to replace me, and had a long talk about how to do a few of the prospective analyses I want so we can get her name on a few papers. To circumvent the 3 years of horseshit spent in that hole with that man and his perpetual forgetfulness about everything except the tiniest pet obsession about re-analyzing data that needed to be published for the sake of my career.

I went home, feeling nauseous as when I when up, made that horrible frozen chinese food I love, had a beer, and began to stream Prime Minister's Questions from 2007 via the stolen internet connection.

I feel misery.

The slight sickness is at least in part to blame for my mood, because my immune system is producing inflammatory proteins that motivate me to feel this way, sit around, and conserve energy to fight off infection. But it is beyond it. It has synergized with a feeling I keep having. While I'm still getting over my last relationship, there is such an empty, overwhelming silence to this apartment. Even with some of the diversions I've introduced, it creeps up on me. I wait for the hours to shuffle past so I can be back at work and forget this feeling. It is a continual reminder that despite what people say, there is an alienation to being alone and getting older.

It isn't the case anymore that people I know fall in and out of relationships as hats (and other things) drop. I paid little mind to newer or old friendships when I was with Emily. That is the way couples are. It is the case that I can whittle a social life based on those people whose spouses perpetually work or live in other cities. But it is a garish reality without companionship. Like suddenly around the later part of one's 20's you switch back and forth between 'I'm young, I'm fine, I'll continue doing what I do' versus '...website gurus or no, this is an ominous feeling--and I do not like it.'

Which is ironic.

It's only been recently that I re-developed a taste for people. Now that I realize I actually need human contact, I am devising clever means to get it. Erik suggested I join a local sports organization. That begs the question about exactly what sort of people I would want to hang out with on a given weekend. That's neither here nor there. I guess I could do the Inferno twice a week, but Wednesdays are just..God they are crap.

This sadness and mild self-pity does not suit me. But that's the mood I'm in. However I will end it here.

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