In rare times, I feel an obsession to re-discover an old portion of my life. The farthest back that I can reliably go is high school. Everything before is a blur of moves, different boyfriends my mother had, and a focus on video games that in retrospect was sensible but stultifying.

I chose to apply the dust rag to Diaryland. I don't mean reading through my old shit. I've occasionally peeled off this or that page, wondered why I couldn't offer a more full-bodied representation of what the fuck was going on.

I mean the community. I did this a year ago, as a sendoff to the place, but in reading my buddy list I'm perplexed. Who are these people? I used to know all of them, very well in some cases. I don't mean "who are they now?" I mean that I literally do not remember. Losing or unintentionally reinterpreting tracts of history is a recurrent problem.

Let us go down the list briefly:

alienamiss - Chick with strange writing who seemed interesting. Grew bored quickly.

Andrew - Site owner. To this day I have no idea why he let this place go to hell.

Blacksun - We were good friends, then enemies, then meh. Part of the early drama back in the time of Dland Chat. Like 2005. That was 8 years ago. That was. 8 years ago.

catsmeow1224 - Nikki. Introduced me to Nicholas. Good friend. Lost touch.

cpttylor - The Captain. His name is Daniel. Yes it's like the last episode of Sex in the City. We're still close friends, given that we were before Dland.

CuddleDuddle - We had a crush on one another at some point. Friends with Nikki. I wonder if she ever found out if she has Huntington's.

Deareddie - Sarah. We're friends on Facebook. She is married and seems alright.

dirtyboots - New Zealand or Australia girl. Still updates regularly. Good read. Met her once on chat.

dorknoodle - Nicholas.

fadedlight - This person meant a lot to me, but I remember nothing about them. Oh wait. Dean's friend from New Jersey. The hyperintelligent, deeply disturbed one. Kate. Old old school Diaryland.

feynixie - My wife. Yeah we still keep in touch.

futilehorn - Will. Never really read the journal, but he was a fixture in chat. He is also on my Facebook.

glimmerfadin - No idea.

i-am-jack - I always thought this was the real world journal of jackthripper. Considering how much Jack meant to me, and still seems to in that lost friend from childhood way, I'd held out some hope. He still updates. I still read.

Ionme - We were good friends. Talked about sex or her relationship to a loser often. Name escapes me.

isabelviolet - She and I are facebook friends. I miss her confessions.

jackthripper - Of everyone here, I miss Jack most of all. Undoubtedly, given the strange world of masters, demons, chains, and gothic-themed variants, I mostly assumed the journal was a wonderfully written exegesis into dark desires.

Lullaymarie - Ah Tasha. I carried that flame for a pathetic period of time. I hope she's well.

Midnightrum - Dude I talked to in chat a lot. Great guy.

mscellophane - Also on Facebook. Meaghan. Maeghan. Former. Yes. She's fun.

myagi - Also on Facebook.

overlyemo - Casey. Same deal. Like all diaryland folk, we don't ever talk. Life moves on and hell, what common base of reference for talk is there?

pettyquarrel - No idea.

Rachel26280 - Rachel Rachel Rachel. We've had a bizarre dynamic over the years. Protector and protected, lovers at one point, friends mostly. The loaning thing mostly sunk that friendship, but it may something that can be repaired with time.

SadistBoo - Other journal of chick who I hope is on medication.

salazabr - Oh yeah, engineer dude down in LBC. Digged Ionmebi.

Sassenach19 - Jenn. Jenn is good people. Dated I suppose even if she was dating someone else which I didn't know about at the time? I think she married the dude. Which is cool, we didn't work out, but seriously she was a lot of fun.

sexpuppet - No idea.

sexyatheist - Friend of Ionmebi. I thought she was a part of the jetsetter crowd, while I back then--yeah, my life mostly revolved around this site and the people in it. It's been so long that I don't recall her name. I'm pretty certain she's the person that drove me up onto that mountain to show me caves back in the day, but my Skylark overheated and went blar, and so I politely crashed a baby shower. That turned out to be a decent day. I should really ask her for her access info sometime.

Sistercookie - Tanya. Nicholas' and mine's friend. Crazy Tanya. We talk every time I'm in Detroit. She also gives advice on Facebook.

twidderpated - Yeah I got--oh, the chick who felt emotions really strongly and I think may have had a crush on me.

twiztdpoet - Don't recall.

UncleBob - Okay this is funny. Everyone used to read him back in the day. I added him because I thought he'd mention me in his "hey read these people" blurb. Never did. He was funny in a puerile way, so I decided to continue.

And that's everyone. With the exception of a few people, no one updates. No one is gonna update either. We as an internet culture moved on to Facebook a good 5 years ago. Even if Diaryland still remained somewhat relevant, it was a part of my extended I'm-a-student-oh-fuck-I'm-not-a-student-hey-I'm-a-graduate-student-oh-fuck period.

Not to be confused with my wait-I'm-a-father-and-a-husband-but-trying-to-balance-career-and-family-wait-do-I-even-have-close-friends-anymore-well-fuck period. Although, honestly, besides my family, it is just too much effort to give a fuck about other people much. You want to, but then you see the effort involved and go why bother?

It's like stairs versus elevator. Granted, I always take the stairs, but stairs don't message you at inopportune times and expect conversation.

I am Jack's Rewarmed Theme.

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