A stirring of activity from people who used to frequent this site.

It reminds me. I used to frequent this site.

And then I got married, we had a child, and I combination-ed lost the time/interest/need.

Desperation and borderline depression have a knack for reminding me of my roots. I am am not accustomed to this format, only vaguely reminded of half-remembered sobriquets by the tasteful light brown border of this tiny text box.

I am more often than not in misery. I am more often than not angry at work, because my mentor is a needless perfectionist and a bad scientist. I have no close friends anymore, again by purposeful design--because you cannot wedge friendship between cracks of free time. I feel like I don't spend enough time playing with my son, but he often seems more interested in his mother or doing whatever. I have purposefully let down, ignored, or otherwise superficially kept in contact with everyone I know. I have had 12 paper rejections in a row. My first real training grant was just narrowly rejected.

They say that altruism, acts of kindness, giving, social circles, and being a functional mammal among other mammals does a body good. Mind also. I have no inclination toward any of this. With the sole exception of pretending to be someone else once a month for a White Wolf game, I hate socializing. As in, I have to find reasons to like or tolerate my wife's friends. I ignore my co-workers routinely, and long ago was ignored in kind, which is par for the course at my workplace anyway. I have no interest in randomly chatting people up. I no longer pretend to try to smile at people I dislike. When my mother came to visit a month ago, it was like seeing an alien inhabit a vaguely familiar (and much fatter) skin. Examples examples John Malkovich examples.

Shit.

I was always a mild sociopath. This is just the route I've been going. I guess that seems like a better choice than divvying out energy on others. Takes less time. Just no time anymore.

I am staring down the barrel of the rest of my life.

I only now understand the desperation of growing older.

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