I had it all laid out. Most people would take the typical time off for Christmas and New Years right after finals. I would finish the NSF MRI grant, the smaller grants, do full-time childcare, all of the housework, all of the shopping, and still sleep well.

It has been utterly draining.

I get by so far, but that original estimate? No. It's more like 5 weeks. J whispered a few gentle "I'm sorry"'s on the way back from the doctor's today. I'm resigned to it. It's not as if we can unbreak the foot.

Still, I am looking down the barrel of a big grant deadline on Feb 5th. I'm pretty much convinced I'm going to need to punt until Cycle 2.

* * *

I have no social life to speak of again. It's a wane versus the wax, the same old cycle that's repeated itself endlessly since Daath first started. As it stands, my only good friend is local. Jennifer. The one where I thought it was just a random emotional connection from several entries ago.

The last contingent finally shuffled off with R. Everyone I knew well on here is dust. Gone. Off to greener pastures, blackened fields with creeks cast from silver tears, and pirouetting void space. Just more black-boxed lives that go on living, but are unknown to me.

Admittedly, I could add my lab to the new list, but that's like adding my wife's friends: silly and misleading.

One friend I do the occasional lunch or wine out with is sufficient at this point in my life. Nowadays most people bore the shit out of me, and past professional necessities I no longer see the point.

* * *

My son G has been showing a lot of neural development recently. Good sentence structure. Prone occasionally to fitful outbursts, and motherfuck is he stubborn most days. But he's lovely and delightful and caring sometimes.

J and I get along well enough. Old married couple. Not much time for an us nowadays, which we realize and work around.

On the rare occasion we broach the topic of a second child. She basically says she's too selfish, too old, too invested in childcare instead of daycare, worried about G transitioning to daycare, and many more reasons. The only thing I have in my pocket is a desire to have a daughter. It's been with me since I was young. It's something I always wanted. It's not easy to articulate or explain, except that I think a sweet, quiet girl would be a nice contrast to the laughing, running, mighty maelstrom of big emotions and big actions that is G.

I doubt it will happen. I have no objection with other people helping to raise children by my actively throwing money at them. She does. Then again, G was supposed to go into daycare by one year, and he's 3 1/2 now.

The best laid plans often go off the rails. I just jump off the wreckage and walk along the tracks, to the next town, to see what new connections I can procreate before another train, on another line, and just jump off the wreckage and walk along the tracks...

previous - next