You know how you meet someone, and your heart just gets the fuck snared. Like you were just not minding your business, you look down, and you go--

"Motherfucker. I genuinely love this person. Fuck."

The reception was as this hotel in Toronto that caters to the 4 seasons as a theme for each particular hub. In Fall there was a rock band with intense autumn tones, bright food, and pulsing energy to signal the dying light. In summer it was chinese girls dancing and green colors or some shit.

But Winter. Even if we didn't run into each other there, that's where we really connected. There was an indian gentleman on an electric violin, playing the best rendition of 'Bittersweet Symphony.' I got a glass of white wine for her, red for me. And there was something about the interplay. How she could have wandered off randomly as one does at parties. Or just having awkward bits of business conversation, us being professionals at a meeting.

But she stayed. And we talked. And it was just us for a good portion of the night. Even when a lot of her lab mates came around, and we reminisced about the lab, and went back to some random Air B&B apartment. And we traded stories about the current things of my past lab/their lab, what happened when I was there, and all that fanciful nonsense while Kelsey, one of my grad students, sat there..then talked with her friend from her hometown who's randomly in that same lab, while Siobhan and I talked more.

And at some point early that night, it struck me: I genuinely cared for this woman, and I needed to see her again, and the thought of seeing her again made me extremely happy--like, way more than is normal for someone you just met, but feels like you KNOW them.

I don't mean wanted to fuck, though she's very attractive. When she'd touch my shoulder or hand to make some point, in that way some women do, I just wanted to reach out and hold her hand. I wanted to sit around into the wee hours, talking about inconsequentials, and just enjoy being with someone.

I wanted to connect. Because beyond my wife and son, possibly some of my grad students, my life is filled with empty interactions and people who mean nothing to me, and I mean nothing to them.

So I sent all the following to J, because I felt I should and I trust her and we have an open marriage.

"So this will sound completely ridiculous. B has a post-doc looking for a faculty position. I kept running into her the first real day of the conference, and then again when there was this big fancy reception for people. I connected with her because of mutual interests and she seemed kind. So we talked, her lab mates came around, then Kelsey did, and we all stayed up late at someone's Air BNB apartment rental, and it was just one of those nights that's perfect. Not many people convey nuance through touch, but she did and that sense resonates with me. So I wanted to meet up with her to talk more about mutual interests (metabolic problems, brain, stress), but to be honest I just enjoyed that connection so much. So I'd thought I'd made plans with her to meet up, have dinner, drinks, that sort...and she stood me up. Spent 3 hours at the same hotel where there was an end reception, which happened to be the same place we were going to meet up. Nothing. I cried the whole way up to University and some street. Ran into Barb of all people. And she's very Barb, understanding and warm and comforting because I was obviously in pain. So she'd like it if we stayed over some time, which is cool. Anyway, I got back to my hotel room, and apparently Siobhan had passed out and didn't check her phone or email or anything. Very apologetic etc.

Like. I didn't even want to have sex, or fall in love, or anything like that. I just wanted to connect with someone new, and at most just hold her hand. And I wandered back to the hotel room, crying and all that, and as I crossed the stink of china town past Spadina, I thought of you (and I had been a good part of heading back and during the conference), and I thought:

'Julia is my life partner. Even if I am emotionally hurt because I got stood up by someone, that anchors me in this world. I'm not alone.'

So even with Siobhan being emphatically sorry for randomly falling asleep and apologizing and all, I still feel bad--though I'm feeling better by bits.

I share all of this because you're my wife and my best friend. And part of me is honestly moderately scared to relate all of this. But I hope it's okay. Because it all made me realize: 1) there's part of me that is literally starving for connections to people; 2) B is awesome; and 3) it makes me realize I'm normal and not the representation of myself I like to trot out and everyone buys into."

Yeah. I cannot even make up the fact that I ran into my old PI/boss while I was walking around, and was just standing there and silently misted eyed/occasionally crying. And I got to connect with her and be honest that she meant a lot to me. Not in all the ways I wanted to say, since honestly I love her like an older sister, but enough so that she was surprised. I mean, I'm an emotional fuck on this thing, but in the real world I am stoic.

Right. Not the greatest narrative, but I need to get up in 6 hours.

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