It's not your fault, J says. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize for, A says.

Yet here I am, bawling quietly on the drive back home from Cody and Stasia's. And as I prep for bedding down.

I thought Amanda was a long-term partner. She did too. Then something changed. And now she's gone. She's still fading, like a ghost wuth the dawn. And all I can do is to beg and plead to have one more time I can hold her. One more time I can tell her that I love her.

Then I can let go. And wonder why this happened. And keeps happening. And how I go on from here. And if polyamory is a myth or if another woman out there can well and truly jive with what J and I have.

If I'm being totally honest with myself, I realized that the overwhelming, crippling anxiety was always there with her, and that it would lead to an undoing in some way. Contrast that with Kathy T (KT). We carried on 4 months of daily texts and really got to know each other well, I thought, and bond. We had one solid date. We snuggled with her existing partner, BG, at game and it was fantastic. Then I tell her I really care about her, she hears of J and I having an argument over post-game cleanup, and she suddenly goes noooooope, I only bond with people doing things in person, I never was that invested, I don't date people with unstable marriages, etc. So clearly she was full of shit.

Contrast that with SH. When I met her it was absolute perfection, and I have never had that sort of connection with anyone. Not even J--and I will never say that. It was all external factors that seemed to fuck things up, and then lots of paranoia from J and SH having trouble seeing the optics of why certain reversals, choices, or turns of phrase just drove J to ever higher fits of emotional pique until everything was FUCKED. God I still fucking regret all of that. I tried to mediate shit between them, but clearly J felt threatened and SH wasn't quite sure what she was comfortable with, so maybe I did all I could. I don't know. I miss her. If I'm being honest with myself, I knew things with Amanda were always weird, but for awhile it was good...and KT I had slowly developed some feelings for...but who in the fuck do you cry about for hours wandering around Toronto after meeting them one night because you thought you got stood up? What IS that even? But now I'm fucking misty-eyed again and goddamnit.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

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