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Some relationships die; some blossom

2017-09-24 - 11:17 p.m.

Over the past two months, I've gotten used to the idea that Julia and I as a romantic unit are done and have been for awhile. We're still married for tax purposes, but functionally it's like we're divorced. At first it hurt, and hurt like hell, but gradually I've realized that we want different things out of life.

She just got a job as an assistant manager as an artisan pizza place in Dubuque, for example, and moves some of her stuff there in a week. She'll be there for 5 days, then here for 2 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It's not just G and I flying solo, however. With the exception of this past weekend, I've spent the last 3 weeks going over to Katherine's and staying the weekend. That's vastly taken the sting out of an otherwise horrible situation.

Whereas stuff with Amanda had ramped up hard and crashed pretty fast, it's been more gradual in her case--well, up until we had sex several times last DR game. Granted, we weren't supposed to do that, but the restriction on any kind of physical intimacy had to be broken. I'd staved off her advances until she asked if I wanted to claim her, and that she wanted me to make her mine.

At that point, our relationship became not a secondary extension from her primary relationship with her husband, it became an Us. And we are an Us. My kid gets along with her 3. G and K play Pokemon Go and do little boy stuff like talking incessantly about, well, Pokemon and shows and pretending stuff out. Z has the biggest little-girl crush on him. Always excited when he spends the night, making his bed, getting him a pillow, the works. Gabe is, well, 2 so he doesn't care much.

See with Katherine, she likes being a Mom. Always wanted to go to grad school, but that's a secondary objective at some point in the future. She's even-tempered, likes to talk through things rationally, really smart, prone to forgiveness, pretty, and amazingly good in bed.

I'm not sure what the future holds exactly. She's said if she went for me she wouldn't be settling, whereas she did with hubs, that if he called an ultimatum she wouldn't know what to choose, and a few times referred to her kids as "ours." So at some point who knows, maybe I could make a life with her.

A mild complication is that I've had a...16?...we'll go with 16. 16 year on-and-off-again thing for R. We'll lose touch for months, in some cases years, but always fall back in touch. She has and hasn't changed over the years, where she used to be hellaciously miserable and depressed but seems to have pulled out of that some now. While we've never met, there is a connection there and I've always wanted to see what our dynamic is like in person.

I mean, fuck, if it took me about a month to get used to the thought that Julia's boyfriend is her primary partner, and that this doesn't bother me because we just changed as people--I think that makes me pretty fucking polyamorous by nature. So I'm okay with loving multiple people.

Granted, both of them are married to spouses they're to varying degrees disenchanted with, but then I'm married too and it's basically a sham at this point.

We still love each other. We're still there for G. But I got tired of listening to her "I think through talking" conversations where I'd hear the same thing 3-4 times over a few days with mild variation, or how she'd make a conversation about her, or walking on eggshells when she's in a bad mood, or her awesomely bad temper. She's thoughtful, funny, wonderfully caring, and many other positive things, but I'd wanted less hen-pecking attention to detail for awhile.

And Katherine provides that semi-locally (2.5 hours away.) R might move to Seattle or Tampa. But regardless, I only occasionally wonder if all this too will go away and I'll be left fending for myself 5 days a week with a Kindergartner. Basically a single Dad where the dating scene locally for alternative-minded, dark people like me is......yeah. It's central fucking Iowa.

So for now, I keep moving forward, my head swiveling behind to see if my same failures come to ruin what I currently have in my life, and toward the horizon, hoping that I can achieve my paradoxical but incredibly, core-felt need to have a stable mate and more children.

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