S and I had a screaming match fight today. Most of it I shoved out of my mind. I think it was about me being a functional alcoholic. Today was when she decided to tell me. She called my mother-in-law for arbitration. That largely led to S being told she needed to back off, me screaming at her in piteous wails to leave me the fuck alone, making up and learning she was angry because she's lonely, and me being unable to let it go because I already hate my life. I don't need more reasons.

She wants to have me committed to a psychiatric ward. Or wanted. It was unclear during the conversation. It's not entirely crazy. My depression has gotten bad. I can't go to sleep at night unless I have at least a half tab of Clonazepam, a beer, or both. I ran out of Clonazepam today. I hope there's a refill in the mail. I need to check on that tomorrow; office never got back to me.

I've tried reaching out to some lapsed friends for help. K loves me and she's been there. It's hard to keep up with messages, but there's that. Rachel responded for the first time since 2018, so that was cool. The Captain called the cops for a remote wellness check, oddly enough followed by a counselor at my university. Not sure what he said, but apparently it was enough for alarm bells to go off. I doused or ignored them. The job already knows I'm wackadoo, so it doesn't bother me.

Oh. I'm not religious, but I've been damned by God. It sounds dramatic and unlikely, but it is always something I've felt deeply. Maybe it happened when my male parent fucked with burning seals and summoned a demon and it decided "oh look, a very young child, this has potential." Maybe when I was born. Maybe I earned it. Life is a neverending maelstrom of horror, pain, and anguish. I will never attempt suicide, but I earnestly and sincerely wish I was dead.

I tried my best with this life, did all the right things from the 8th grade up to now to be successful. I fell short. I didn't suck enough Midwestern dicks or pussy or not well enough to apparently make tenure at a second-rate R1 institution, though based on repeated policy failures I'll easily win a lawsuit when the time comes. But I haven't been able to land a job elsewhere. I keep trying. I get periodic interviews. But I am.

Stuck.

Here.

In this godforsaken red state. In this fucking house.

Day.

After.

Day.

After.

Day.

After.

Day.

I live in hell.

Well my beer is finished. Time to try to sleep.

previous - next