They officially denied me tenure today.

I know it's political because of my wife's job skewering IDPH.

I know it's bullshit and I have a lawyer ready to file a civil suit.

I know it's wrong and have colleagues who know my work who have told me so.

But fuck me. I still feel like a failure.

J originally recommended I take the ISU job to be closer to family. So our son G could grow up around them. J lives in Texas with Travis now. G lives with them too after the custody agreement, because he doesn't deserve to live in isolation and slowly die while looking outside from a window, or at a computer desk in a basement.

7 years at this job. The worst decision I ever made. Second worst decision was taking the job at NIA for 3 years, which led to the worst decision.

If I could rewind time.

It would be September 2012. I would have gotten my PhD just a few years ago. Instead of being lonely because Emily and I broke up, and getting together with J back in Fall 2010, I could have held strong. Found a post-doc gig elsewhere. Stayed with Barb for a year to find something else when Sterling made it clear I wasn't getting a faculty gig but some hotshot asshole that ended up being a literal sexual predator.

But life isn't a VHS machine.

I'm stuck here.

I'm fucked here.

What have I become indeed. Only there aren't any sweetest friends anymore. Everyone I know goes away in the end.

Cry me a fucking river, you bald asshole. I know. You try living in isolation for 720+ days, being a functional alcoholic while your life slowly decays around you despite your best efforts, and not even being able to fuck your wife because of an immune condition. I don't even have the luxury of killing myself. Life is cruel. Well. I'll fuck life in the ass later and behead the fuck in some west-end suburb. For now, I'm going to feel sad.

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