As you can probably tell, I have alot of problems with that still. Because of the way I am brain-wise, I feel emotions very intensely, positive or negative. I thought it might be cyclothymia (a mild form of Bipolar 1), but I fluctuate too quickly for that. No, it's...even though I've studied for hundreds of hours about self-cultivation and learning about inward calm, with more than that in practice, little things have way too much of an effect. The inflection in someone's tone, what someone does or doesn't say...it just gets magnified way beyond what is normal. I know in my rational mind many things that I can't stop my emotions from picking up on them. On top of that, I'm an incredibly sensitive person (and I try my damndest to convince people otherwise sometimes) and I pick up on everything. Empathic, really.

So what is this feeling that bothers me so much..why is it that most people who know me think of me as calm, mellow, probably boring? That's the part that is...socially presentable, one which some can deal with (even then I'm too "weird" for most). No, it's my passion that gets in the way with many...and that's the only thing that makes me feel alive, like myself. Yet, it's unstable, overpowering to many. As I may have mentioned before, I have an incredibly powerful, if subtle, presence...and I try to hold it in, but it seeps out like mist through the cracks. Whenever I bring it out...well...people who know me don't know how to deal with that. Hell, they can't even fathom thinking of me in any other way...and there's so much more than just some guy with good advice.

Sometimes I wish the world were more accepting of passion, rather than mentioning it on the side. I want to stand upon the artery of life, feel the vibrations course around me, hear the thrum of the modern world dance around me, inside me. But that means manifesting something noone is used to regarding me, and that means losing another set of people I care for. It inevitably happens, don't get me wrong, but this last batch has been interesting. I genuinely try not seeming like I want pity...I enmesh myself in several groups for a long while, something happens, and I travel on, corresponding with one or two in the aftermath.

How can you be you when who you are frightens other people? People you love? How can you possibly explain to others what they naturally reject? I've had many friends, in many different situations, sharing so many different experiences...and all that is left for me are my memories. And I don't remember good times, usually...I remember pain, in fact I accept pain, because that is constant. I do not revel in it, I do not cut into it and smile at its humorous excesses...I just know it will always be there and I look at it...I don't know...as a friend, I suppose. It's a part of my life, just like the snippets of other things.

I find ways to ebb it out in useful ways, but it is uncontainable, pressing. My entire being burns sometimes, so much that I can't think or feel anything but to concentrate, to concentrate and make sure it doesn't escape. You can release it, but I'm not sure what would happen, really. You lose control, you let go...and is there anything or anyone to fall back on? God, maybe? I don't know. You could call this passive-aggressive...I call it denial out of love, because the people in my life always mean so much, even if passing is for the most part inevitable. And so I will continue this dance, almost everyone that I know none the wiser. We are but passing ships in the night, and would but some member of those crews find meaning in the green lantern light that I sport on my deck.

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