In essence I feel dejected and fearful. I have this tenacious habit of writing or saying what I think people will like, but it ends up sounding fake or just thoroughly useless. I sometimes wonder if years of people telling me I should be a shrink were warning signs and not compliments.

I try not to sound sarcastic when I want to be, or emphasize it when it isn't appropriate. For my troubles I get labeled as overly egotistical, nasty, or a few other things. I am too caustic, but it gets me through the day.

The fear stems from a few things. I've been slipping a bit in terms of always studying. I feel like I have too much free time, that I'm not using it properly. There's a test for chem coming up that I'm fairly prepared for, but I should be doing more.

I always need to do more. Write more intriguing pieces (my life is my art, and damn that's a scary thought), socialize less often, study more. What is it that drives me to self-destruction? I want it...badly. I want it in needing constant praise and attention, in performing perfectly, in giving off the persona of someone who has all of his shit together.

I can't even play at being myself well. I just naturally acclimate to what might be most appealing.

People say you should always follow your heart, do what you want to do and not worry about others. I want to know what that means. More, I want to know why feeling just doesn't want to come.

In the end I impress absolutely noone with what I think is impressive. So how do you just write about your day? Seems simple. Dunno why it isn't.

(Note 6 hours later: I've got to get my perscription refilled. These mood swings into the philosophical are painful)

previous - next