A friend of mine had alot to say, though. The guestbook entry was strange in a way. He said he now partly understood what it was like to be me. I quote:

"I read constantly. I know the only way to keep my mind from finding out how it really feels is to keep cramming it with more and more information. Now i know a little bit of what it's like for you. no matter how hard you try you're only treading water and you know you'll give out in the end."

I think what he needs to see is that the pool has a shallow end. There isn't a human being that can be an inch above drowning indefinetely. He'll find that bottom to rest his feet on, or one of those cool little platforms on the side of the deep end where you can put a chilled bucket full of champagne on.

We're all treading water in some fashion. Cpttaylor with his bouts of work and the need to create, RedMeridian in her quest for normalcy and good things, TigreFatalis with recovering back to where she was long ago.

In a way they all inspire me, taking laps down olympic size swimming pools. Spandex against taut flesh, the rivulets of life flowing down and around the sweat, the tears. I can hear the water in my ears, every stroke, every tiny creshendo, every pant that turns up into a smile. I feel the ripples turn inside me, every nuance of their changes reminding me of what it's like to feel, to be.

He said I'll die by the time I'm thirty, that it was in a vision. I've seen it in the eyes of others, of some of you who know me in the real world.

I think people understand bit by bit sometimes, but there's other things that I can't describe, other feelings I can't express. One of them is that I'll endure. I wish I could make all of you feel that, but I can't relate that assurance.

I just know I'll be here.

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