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Neck's out of place again; life sucks and ow 2002-02-14 - 11:50 p.m. 
My head aches. Looking at the clock I want to silently curse at myself for the next hour. Must read chemistry, finish a lab write-up, wake up at 8:30. I try so hard every day to focus. I try reading through these textbooks, pick up the information quickly, process. But something is very wrong. Even with the medication I can't concentrate anymore. I keep reading over the same sentence trying to find nuances of meaning to it. I don't trust what I think is the point. I don't trust my judgment at all these days. My neck snapped out of place again today. All of the energy in my body pooled into the floor, just when the caffeine was making things clear again. I feel pathetic. I only have three classes and sporadic research. I shouldn't be behind. I shouldn't be asking what in the hell these people want me to understand. I honestly don't know. It's as if I constantly need to distinguish what I'm supposed to be led to and what I'm supposed to magically connect in my head. Intro. science courses are like secret societies that way. Hell, research is like that. Socializing with people is becoming more of a chore than a pleasure. It's utterly insignificant of course, but I have this brilliant idea that I can regularly see people and study. I have no idea why I even bother. They'll be out of my life in 3-7 months tops. I'll just take the isolation and make 'em believe I'm too busy to talk. Which is the case...but then I'm just sitting there, starring at a sentence for the fourth time, trying to manually put the thoughts into memory. I still have to say the words. I'm too afraid I'll misunderstand something otherwise. There has to be a better way than this. |
