He came in quietly, looking like a disturbed goth child with dyed spiky bangs drapped across his eyes and forehead. He's the kind of boy you'd expect at one end of a dog collar in some hardcore leather bar, keeping some older man's knee warm and moist. He almost sat beside me but then decided to take a seat over and back one, leaning forward in what had to be an uncomfortable position.

He tried chatting and I pretended like I was a ditz. It's not often I get to play clueless, looking sweetly confused and oblivious. We eventually had to move to a different room because of technical difficulties. While everything in the club was waiting he'd stand very close to me, that kind of closeness everyone recognizes. Being a sub. he thought that he was mine. He was unsure, though, backed off at some points. He was afraid he was making me feel uncomfortable, kept apologizing for being an 'asshole' and stalking me. This boy was turning out to be full-blown frightening.

After we got to the new room I threw my coat across a chair and sat down. He came in and asked me where he should sit with a pleading curl around his eyes. 'Oh for Christ's sake,' I'm thinking, 'I tell you that I'm not available, married to my work, and you're still trying to pull the whole flirtacious bullshit courtship ritual crap. Alright, fine, you want honesty you get honesty.' I told him to sit away from me because people in my space bother me. Mostly a lie.

Maybe I sound heartless to you but the way this boy was following and talking to me was way too much like a lover; he needed to get the message. He was stunned for a moment, so I added with a big smile that it wasn't because of him. A complete lie.

After watching the movie and silently loathing the months I'd have to spend passive-aggressively interacting with this fellow, I got up and started walking out. I was expecting him to ask me where I was going, if he could come, etc. All I got was a quiet "bye." And so it begins.

I wanna care more or feel bad...but I won't and don't. The more I think about it we were just being talkative that day. I never complimented him or did anything sexual. He was already obsessed with me before from what I found out...and talking to him just sealed it. Maybe I'll sit him down and just explain things. He'll hate me for it but that doesn't matter. The boy needs a master and I don't do that anymore.

On a totally different note, I saw Colleen again today. She makes me feel happy and special. After all the nasty fearful things that happened it was cleansing to be around her. She feels as close as I do and there's that tangible, deep bond of friendship.

I'm glad it's mutual. It hurts like hell when the other person is cold. It's funny, what I'm doing with goth boy is what alot of my ex's did with me. At least I can be honest and sympathetic; that much any person deserves.

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