Lousy food in my stomach, we went back to the office. Woods called two lab people into their conference room. He then asks me to explain exactly what I had done last summer working at Zarathustra U. (where I actually began this journal). My first reaction was numbed horror: how in the hell was I supposed to remember all that after a whole YEAR? I was supposed to come up with this shit on the fly?? I started up slowly, moving back and forth between concepts a bit too quickly, while this guy chugs out question after question after question, grilling me on logic, design, everything. I got into the groove of it, though, and I thought I fielded everything they threw at me well.

Over four hours later they're satisfied and I get a water break. Then I get 15 minutes to explain this paper I'd written. This part I was actually prepared for. Rather than question everything, Woods was encouraging. We got to his car and rode back to the BART station. During the ride I found out that he's got 150 applicants for this job. My heart sank. He'd invited me here just to weed me out. When I asked him how I did, he just said "ok." He said it again later with more sympathy, but I was too fucking depressed to care.

On the BART tram again I looked outside and wondered what to do with my life. Did I really want to do research? Could I really do research? I felt lost and very small. I snapped myself out in time to realize I was on the wrong line. Damnit, was I going to be late for ANOTHER plane? I switched lines, ran to the airport shuttle and silently wondered how much of an idiot I was. Plowing over the Bay freeway I thought how horrible the day had turned out. When I actually got to my gate, though, they were just beginning to board. I was overjoyed and I settled for just feeling physical and mentally numb.

Jen and Geri helped me feel better when i got home though, which was nice. Mom also gave me a neck massage which really helped. As I lay in bed leaning on my not in pain side, though, I kept wondering if what I'm trying to do is the right thing. Am I cut out for this line of work? If not, what do I do? I don't know.

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