Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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Birthday 2003-06- - 5:26 p.m. 
It's been a year since I graduated from college. I can still remember the hotel room I picked up from Mom and Gran after they left. For some reason I always remember the hotels wherever I go. I was sitting in an off green recliner watching 'Final Fantasy', casually wondering why it didn't do so well as the off-white clouds outside highlighted Ohio green. It would be one of the last days I'd spend in Ohio. I felt more relieved than nostalgic at that point. I was completely exhausted. I didn't have another week of college left in me if I tried. I couldn't actually believe it was over. The war was over. I'd lived through 2 years of massive sleep deprivation with only a few health complications. I was honestly surprised I kept living after college was done, not in any morbid way but just how singularly focused that world had been for me. I really couldn't imagine life outside it.The parking strip at the hotel featured a few different hotels and an up-scale restaurant chain called the Macaroni Grill. I mention this now because Mom wants to take me out later tonight and go to a local one. It was like yesterday when I sat myself down in the one over in Ohio and had their tiramisu. In alot of ways still I feel like I should be waking up back at college. It's been a year, but there's this indescribable sense of loss that I feel whenever I think back to those final days, to all the people that are gone. I don't have nightmares about having to go back and do another final there (or in high school) anymore, but I can't help but feel that part of me is stuck. I guess it was the last time where I felt on-track, could visit friends, mostly where I was still a grown-up kid. Year 22 was less relaxing than I thought it'd be. True, half of it was just spent playing computer games, watching documentaries and writing, but I never let the guilt escape. I had things to do, after all: a job to find, GRE's to study for, publishing to do, but I limped by just so I could give myself (and everyone else) the illusion that I was trying my best. Guilt's one of the main facets of my personality. That might not be immediately obvious to you. I feel guilt every day, potently, usually when I'm just going to bed and a random set of embarassing or despicable moments slide through my head. Having regrets is considered gauche nowadays, but since when have I been engaged in popularity contests (or cared to hear empowerment speeches)? I feel some sense of justification for up'ing my workload since early february with the volunteer job. Still, I have no idea where the year went. I can read over this thing but that doesn't do much good. All I can figure is that some part of me died and I re-invented whatever rebirth happened afterwards. I'm hoping like hell that year 23 will be more productive, more fulfilling, but above all a time where I feel like I really did something. I have hope for it since I dragged myself out of my recuperative void several months back. And is it just me, or have people passed by and come in like kleenex with feet or fresh fruit? You can vaguely see it just by reading who I happen to be talking about from month to month. That phenomena strikes me as odd, but then I seem to have a weird effect on people. Anyway, wrapping up my self-deprecation party train, I do have genuine hope for year 23 and making some progress in my writing, photography and my career in science. I personally think it's a good trait to never be fully satisfied with where you're at; leaves room for constant improvement. Constant guilt sometimes, sure, but improvement along with that. |
