Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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Nightmare and ill-at-ease 2003-08-17 - 9:57 p.m. 
The nightmares are becoming more frequent, interspersed by a few days as opposed to weeks or months. I remember being inside of a Medieval castle. It was overcast that day. Eight contingents of guard and mercenary were gathered in the courtyard. We were set to comb the surrounding area for resistance before invading a few undead city states. I had some position of minor power but I can't recall it, arrayed in a set of off-white robes with stripped sapphire accents. We rode out from the castle in a block. After we'd marched only a few hundred yards, a alarum went up. Several large black dogs were rushing up from the right side of the castle. Their hulking bodies heaved and growled. They appeared mortal; they weren't. In moments several became tens. We turned and ran back to stem the tide. Tens became hundreds, then thousands, streaming past the barricades and into the courtyard. They were after someone of great importance in the 2nd floor chapel. We struggled to make it to the chapel, slaying the beasts before us in droves. They kept coming, kept moving like a giant wave. We few in front arrived first and surrounded the old man they were after. The troops in the stairwell were choked off and dismembered. The undead hounds pushed past us and shred the man flesh from bone. I woke up feeling drained, the same as yesterday. ---- Lately I feel something is off; only partly in the lacking sense. Something is wrong. I've realized that I pay too much attention and care to my sites (photography and here), constantly wonder why my photography isn't better received in the community, in general derive part of my self-worth from hobbies that shouldn't hold so much sway. That sort of sitcom moralism is important and I mostly accept it. I still can't shake the feeling I'm missing something. I have yet to look over the 6-7 schools that I want to research for grad school--have yet to establish rapport with profs. in most of those schools--but then that's usually on my mind. There's studying for the graduate review test that I need to take, but again same deal. I feel very frightened about the whole process, even if I have many qualifcations already. Ill-at-ease and nervous best describe it. Maybe it's just been the past few nights of sleeping, I can't say. I hope whatever it is inside me resolves itself ---- Most of friday, saturday and sunday were spent editing photos, posting them, writing out some ideas for short stories and continuing the dialogues for the game I'm doing volunteer work on. I IMed people for quite awhile, spent more time in diaryland chat than I care to admit. I did what I needed to do, though, in terms of being responsibile or productive enough to somewhat satisfy myself. That isn't self-pity so much as my real compulsion to produce. I think it's to make up for the fact that I'm unemployed; at least, that's what I've reasoned. It genuinely bothers me that I still don't have a job that pays. Everyone else is sympathetic for the state of the American and Californian economy, but I hate leeching off my mother. ---- Now that I've unloaded that off, here's something else for you good folk: Comment: It looked so good with a blue cast that I decided to work on that version as opposed to the deep red and earth toned version. Comment: I personally think this is the best photograph I've taken (speaking from a stylistic standpoint) so far. Comment: And this year's award for most generic industrial shot goes to...{drum roll} Daath!...but I still really like it. Comment: Does the shot look especially wonky (i.e. weird) to you? If so, does it work for you? I'm still editing this one. |
