The device somehow worked now, but not precisely right.

We went up to the shop to get it looked at.

We came back down and Dr. Ziv asked me where Hideyoshi was. I couldn't remember what he and I had arranged. I said I didn't know his schedule. Dr. Z was pissed off. I tried explaining that I'd asked everyone in a mass mail to come in and help, that Hideyoshi wasn't available today. He was still pissed off.

First time that I felt like I'd failed today.

{It was close to lunch. I wouldn't get to eat lunch. I had two handfuls of nuts for breakfast.}

Next he wanted me to re-check all the parameters for the ECT shock. I did so. He said I was mixing apples and oranges. I wanted to say that we didn't have a whole barrel of oranges or apples to understand how varying one parameter affected another.

Second time I felt like I'd failed today.

He asked about the dose concentration of the drug Remifentanil. I gave him the range. He snidely remarked that he could just run a search to get a specific amount. I ran it, got an amount that seemed to work.

Third time I felt like I'd failed.

Several colleagues from other labs showed up. I had no idea why they were there; I guess to watch the festivities of a rat having a seizure. Dr. Ziv asked me to do a dilution calculation on the drug. I didn't know what I was doing; it'd been too long since I'd done one. Dr. Ziv came in and made the problem slightly easier. I still had no idea how to do it. I asked one of the colleagues for help. Dr. Ziv came in and told us that he was just going to use this amount to get this concentration. I said that made sense.

Fourth time I felt like I failed.

He wanted me and Hideyoshi to redo the electrodes for some reason. They wouldn't stay on the rats' ears, he argued. Instead we just went through the whole drug injection and ECT procedure minus the shock. He had to inject the drug in the tail. The rat, though housed in a cylinder of plastic, would thrash. He continually grunted obscenities, asking me to 'hold down the fucking tube!' right after I'd decided that would be a good idea; guess I wasn't fast enough there. We went through the four rats like we were supposed to.

Fifth general time I felt like I'd failed.

Saying I felt terrible doesn't begin to describe it. I knew he hadn't started writing those letters. With each mistake I could imagine him just shaking his head. I tried planning and executing the thing, but it's finals week and he can't take me at my word for having certain shock parameters.

He went home early. I apologized. He said the moral was to have a plan. He didn't seem angry anymore. I'd thought of another way we could finish the experiment: doing the 'fake ECT' rats on mon-thurs and the 'real ECT' rats on tues-friday. I emailed Hara-Kiri and she said cutting up four rat brain on friday and four on saturday was alright.

As long as the experiment gets done, Dr. Z will be happy. That thought didn't help as I sat in the corner office, door closed and lights off, quietly crying in the darkness to "The Streets of London". After a long, good period of weeping I heard someone coming in. I quickly flicked on the light and made busy just in time. It was Attila. He didn't suspect a thing.

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I have to come in every day this week.

You need two people to do the ECT experiment.

I don't know if I'll have a second person to always help.

I don't know how me and some other person are supposed to do this study, since the non-shock animals and shock animals both get that mega-opiate drug--and Dr. Ziv told me I can't inject it. I guess he changed his mind or he'll just come in to do the injections.

I didn't get a chance to email a prof at U Penn for a last minute "I want to join your lab because..." email. I'll send that off tonight.

Those applications are due in the 15th. At least my essay feels about done.

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I need a sensory deprivation chamber and a bottle of Bacardi 151 hooked up to a suction straw.

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