Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice paid an unexpected visit to Iraq today, encouraging Coalition forces and diplomats alike to stay the course. Dr. Rice then starred at Prime Minister al-Jaafari and, in a scene reminiscent of the classic sci-fi movie "Scanners", caused his head to spontaneously explode.

More later as the story develops...

Also today, the Reverend Jesse Jackson and President of Mexico Vicente Fox exchanged heated press releases with one another. Fox was reported as having said that Mexicans dig irrigation, work on old white women's gardens, and other odd-jobs even blacks would never take. Jackson countered that such remarks were deeply misguided and possibly racist. President Fox condemned the calm rhetoric, stating emphatically that Jackson's head resembled a deformed tadpole and made his citizens uncomfortable. He further cited that unofficial unemployment counts of Mexican immigrants, 7-Eleven parking lots, were down last quarter and that there was no better way to squeeze the Gringo Loco's balls than to control food production. Jackson declined to comment.

Survivor contestant Tom Westman was proclaimed the newest arisen Christ this week. Asked about the swearing in ceremony, Westman commented that he felt invincible. Scientists remain baffled by his left midget nipple, but are persevering to find a non-supernatural explanation. Several conservative Christian groups are planning to protest. More on that later...

God died this week after an unexpected complication during angioplasty surgery. Billions of Christians continue to mourn God and dutifully pay their respects. Pope Benedictine XVI was reported to have sequestered himself within the Vatican for a period of deep mourning.

God first came onto the world stage approximately 6,000 years ago, according to God biographer Thomas Nice. God quickly rose to fame early in His career, creating the Universe, crustaceans, Adam and Eve and that bitch Lilith, massive tidal flooding, unchecked war, famine, miracles, and circumcision.

God then became a full-time writer and dedicated Himself to publishing his works. He has been responsible for breaking countless top seller records and continues to enjoy circulation of His books from hotel nightstands to bookshelves and coat pockets.

God was also an avid war buff. He has been credited with the deaths of billions, including Jews, Muslims, Christians, Catholics, Liberals, and secularists. Asked to comment on such a prolific spat of death and untold misery, Thomas Nice smiled and said, "Well His books are just that good! I mean have you read The King James' Bible? That's all Him, all there!"

God is survived by two sons: the resurrected Jesus H. Christ, whose whereabouts remain unknown, and the newest arisen Christ Tom Westman. Westman could not be reached for comment.

And that's the news.

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