Throughout this whole time here in Bosstown, there were only a handful of occasions were I went out with someone else. Some of those occasions involved an older woman who had the dietary restrictions and perspective colonic purity issues of a vegan health spa. Picture your most high-maintenance mate on record, double it, then make them incredibly demanding for deep, inter-personal conversations about foreign film and personal issues. Ah well, she was there and she bought me a free beer on my birthday.

One other was with a very good friend of mine, Adam. Adam is now in Australia doing gods know what and probably enjoying himself to death; good for the man, he needs a break from the terrestial homogeny of Ohio (it's flat...just flat...no hills, no anything...flat, cow-strewn flatness). I wish him luck with the aussie ladies, for that man needs to get laid more than I do.

So I've been strung out bitter sometimes, scoring double from average on the stress index that I take on occasion (love psych labs). In all of this though, I've found some, actually many, genuinely happy moments. All of them involved people I love. The rest of this post is for them.

Since we both work in an office, it's kindof hard not to talk on a semi-regular basis with my friend Selene. Even so, it's a treat to log on and see her there. She has this capacity to make me feel happy even when I've winced at the aversive stings of the real world. It's hard to put into words how special she is to me. She's one of my oldest friends, but we weren't always on good terms. My life when I was a young teenager was mind-blowingly chaotic and I could swear I would have had fun if I hadn't been so serious (more about my past later).

I originally met her on December 16th, 1995. I remember that date because it literally changed my life, which as I think about the changes seemed to involve her at many points. Skipping alot of stories about inter-personal conflict and bitterness, we eventually found out that we shared many intellectual, emotional, and activity interests. I never saw her much because she's usually incredibly busy, but there were occasions where we got to hang out. What always surprised me about her was this awesome charismatic power from and in which she innately flowed. People follow her in many things and seem innately attracted to this leadership quality she has. Sometimes I found it amusing how quickly friends of ours wanted to agree with her or vie for her attention. I just smiled and kept quiet usually. You see, I often feel very...strange with groups of people. I become quiet because conversation is being given by others...unless everyone else is quiet, in which case I run the gambit of amusing anecdotes. My mood is in the opposite proportion of what is needed to balance the group dynamic...I can't explain it otherwise.

I found it difficult to speak with her. When I did, I came off too intensely, wanting too much to find some common ground in the short moments I found. She seemed sad at many points, for what reasons I should not divulge here. Suffice it to say, I was intensely attracted to her for a very long time. I wanted to give her the happiness she so readily gave everyone else, sometimes forgetting her own. It reminded me of myself so much. She's very rare, folks, and you would count yourself lucky to know her if but a short while or for some passing fare of aural fixation and elation.

I feel that intensely about my true friends, those I consider family. There are others here, and all of them hopefully know my heart in these matters (if you don't, ask. I'm always happy to talk about my feelings). I mention them in anonymous passing because I didn't have the opportunity to speak with many of them much. That doesn't mean I do not appreciate them any less, only that I offer their silent dedication in every smile and passing conversation I hold with them. As fate's dice played out across the green hills, they came up and offered the chance to know one of my best friends better. Aside from all of the hardship and heartache of these past months in this foreboding Gregorian year of 2001, her friendship gave me strength, hope, and above all a deep love and affection that touches me. I fear my entry must be clipped here, for I cannot offer anything even plausibly descriptive with brave analogy or obscure metaphor to explain. Suffice it to say, I hope she knows how much she means to me

Thank you.

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