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My love life: a brief history (1 of 2) 2001-07-23 - 6:28 p.m. 
Reading a recent post by someone, I finally realized that I should mention a bit about my love life and current lack thereof. I tend to be very closed about this to most of my friends, since it's not the most pleasant subject to bring up.I started dating when I was 14-15. The first person I really went out with, Julia, was 12 at the time (which I got an insane amount of shit for from everyone). The relationship itself was innocent, naive, and just, well, different, a new way of relating to someone. Julia and I just cared about each other; sex never crossed my mind. I'm not quite sure how, but her parents found out that we were infatuated. The story descends from there: a good friend of mine and her family getting terribly upset with me, her family enraged at the idea that I would have sex with her...and here I was, totally oblivious. Again, I'll emphasize: sex has never really ranked high on my list of great things. It's nice, but even then as hormones engaged I wanted emotional, not physical, satisfaction.What followed were a string of relationships in which I dated the friends of one of my friends. Go ahead, criticize me. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. They weren't all that bad, really...well some were. A few were incredibly manipulative, but one apologized to me for having to put up with "her problems." It's too bad she wasn't nicer: Liz was gorgeous. There was also Claire, who I couldn't exactly relate to and decided in three days it wouldn't work out, but I ended up dating her for a month because:1) I didn't have the balls to tell her, "y'know, this isn't working well" 2) I thought it might improve. It didn't. A string of god awfully strange interludes followed. I can't remember all of them...maybe 10, 12, 20, I don't know...again, they lasted anywhere from a week to a month. One in particular stands out in my mind and demarcates the point I'd like to call the "no luck" zone. Her name was Amy. She was a bit older than I was and an incredibly hardcore goth. On top of that, she was an opera singer. How we met is a little beyond me at the moment. I somehow ended up at a friend of a friend's house with her, though, where amidst casual snuggling and physical contact she asked me several times, "So, you wanna go out or what?" Now you have to remember I was DAMN shy when I was young, so I figured yeah, it might be nice.What I remember primarily are some arguments, some decent times going clubing, but this weird sense that we just weren't right for each other. She was incredibly sweet to me, don't get me wrong, but she treated everyone else like absolute SHIT. The words that sprang from that mouth of hers and her actions were utterly appauling. When I look back, I'm surprised she actually bothered to be nice to me. Skipping forward a bit on a few arguments and decent times, she decided to end things right as I was thinking that'd be a good idea and instead went for another woman, whom she had apparently had relations with before. We weren't overly attached, so I thought, "cheated on again...yeah, that kinda sucks..." Oh yes, now I remember, she was a part of the same LARP group that I was in and she thought I was young, "sexy" (the hell if I know, folks), and I assume impressionable to the wiles of an older woman. When that didn't work so well, I think we remained friends for a little while, which culminated in an odd series of events. We had a mutual friend named JAK. JAK is an Irishman that I highly respected because he took no bullshit and was an incredibly refined, yet dangerous, man. He taught me many things about life and some of the darker aspects..I in turn related my early stories of being involved with the occult and the shadows that plagued me when I was young and back then (that's a whole separate story).Anyway, we were at his girlfriend's beach house preparing a LARP session (you take a role-playing game and act it out in person, basically; hey, it passes the time). He asked the two of us to come over and, loving the beach with a passion bordering on slobbering awe, I agreed. Amy and I got along very well, so well that on the ride back she took my head, gazed at me affectionately and asked if I could "be her [my name]." I replied, not knowing what the hell to say to that, if she could be my Amy (I figured the response worked and she didn't mean it romantically). Later on in the friendship, she started getting weird. Now I'm used to things most people consider strange. Cults, magick, servitude, bondage, secret societies, general stuff I dealt with when I was younger. Boy those were the days. But I was young, idealistic, and thought these cabal and occult-oriented people needed a firm pointer or two. Even with our occasional conversations about darkness and depravity, these got odder...that and she started giving me the same treatment she gave others. So, I told her that I had spent time in an asylum. I apparently said it quite seriously because she asked if I was. I figured, what the hell, give her a thrill...so I said yes. Haven't heard from her since. The things I do to entertain people.Skipping a few more failed attempts that are not noteworthy, including dating some people that I had dated before. We come to what I affectionately term The Three: Laurel, Linnea, and Erin. Laurel and I met online around early to mid '96 or '97. I found her intelligence to be devastatingly accute and the tongue on that women could cut to the bone. We became friends and then quickly more than friends. I still remember writing love poetry at the park and thinking to myself that maybe I had found someone special. I still have those poems, though of course they mean nothing. That lasted for awhile and, having only dated people IRL, I thought that things would be the same when I went out to see her. I mean, I had known her for nigh on 2 years, she wasn't going to be a bitch, right?I'll make this short: plans to see each other, she screws two other guys, I nearly call things off because she obviously didn't care, crying, seeing each other, her being reserved and incredibly cold, her being manipulative and explaining to me that my problem in life was that I "think in a loop," her giving me an affectionate goodbye, her then completely leaving my heart to be run over by a truck as she turns into a cold, iron wall as she becomes infatuated with one of the guys she had originally screwed behind my back.
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