She then began to treat things as though they never happened, but the way in which she spoke to me was infuriating, as though I were a small child who didn't understand anything. So infuriating, in fact, that I wrote her a letter expressing my utter disgust and contempt for her very existence. Sometimes I still revel in the response she gave me, which included the phrase "You hurt me very, very deeply." I am not proud of these moments, but when they come, I revel in the fact that I could make that icy bitch feel some emotion and especially one of guilt. It is at those time I feel she deserved it. She sometimes liked to play with my feelings, knowing that she could manipulate me. I forgave her, still, and I hope she has forgiven me for giving her a taste of her own medicine.

Lin was comparable, but different: she was having problems with her boyfriend and wanted to move on to greener pastures. We hadn't known each other a long time, but she was friendly and seemed nice. After a rather hasty courtship, she then fell back into the impression that she was in love with her then ex-boyfriend and that apparently I couldn't compare to him. Same iron wall treatment: no matter what I said, she simply would either not respond or be incredibly manipulative and nasty. I didn't speak with her for a long time, but eventually, after a year or so, we sortof became friends. I don't think she ever put the episode behind, though.

And then there is the jewel in this crown of misery: E. If I regret anything in my life more than dating her, I cannot think of it or have repressed the memory. Oddly, she had eaten with the rest of my usual lunch group for awhile and, one day, I just up and decided she was really attractive. Apparently she thought likewise, because of the following:

A number of my friends had decided to watch fight club, and then another movie (strange days, I believe). When I went upstairs to the second floor of the dorm, she was sobbing and looked absolutely miserable. I held her for a little while and asked her what was wrong. Apparently, Fight Club had disturbed her. What ensued was my asking if she needed to sit downstairs and relax. She said yes and my other friends followed suit. What followed was an hour long discussion of the movie. Apparently, according to another friend who I will call K, I was a touch insensitive and I apparently couldn't feel for other people. She meant well by the comment because everyone else was disturbed, but I still thought it was a thoroughly inapporpriate and false comment from her; she knew and knows better than that.

So, rest of story: we start snuggling, I walk her back to her place, she THROWS herself at me and BEGS me to have sex with her. It was as if I was some strange blood transfusion and she was being slowly sapped to death. Being a fairly bitter person at that point, I said no, we don't know each other at all. I also was fairly certain she had a boyfriend. She said yes, but again, I fell for the old I'm going through an odd hormonal cycle, my boyfriend is in another state, you're a fine piece of ass, hey, maybe I can lie to myself and fuck you and try to convince myself it's love.

So I was a fool and decided, sure, let's have sex. I slept in her bed, did stuff with her, and I felt a terribly large amount of love and affection for her. But, since I knew where this was probably going, I asked her one night for her to end things with "her (insert b/f name)" and, rather than seeing him once a month, go for me instead.

Now I think this is just plain slick on her part now, but get this, she said she couldn't because she didn't want to hurt me and that she ended up hurting people she got close to. Well if that wasn't a premonition, I don't know what was.

Of course she did start to hurt me and be incredibly manipulative. Yes, I understand now that she may have had some misgiven feelings about me and that she needed to time to dissociate those from her boy...but her technique was...well, let's put it this way: she got cold very quickly. I think it was while we were in bed and I had just asked her what was going to happen that it started.

I was smitten at this time, so the rejection, not saying anything, wanting no physical affection and the sometimes insulting and downright horrible things she said to me and about me to my friends was passed over by me. If only I could convince her that being friends is ok and that what we did didn't have to mark our friendship, it'd be ok. I tried...I tried so often that I wept to myself in the dark, wondering why she couldn't see that things didn't need to be that way, that yes, she had "done something terribly wrong," but I didn't need to become the symbol of that. To the other two, I was a symbol...hell, I usually become a symbol to most people, not a real person...just some thing that doesn't need anything in the form of love or affection or even courtesy. I was and am just a figment to them. She's Catholic, so it was thoroughly hopeless to inculcate any sense regarding the matter, but I loved her deeply, so I said the hell, I'd try.

Care to hear a few stories of mine regarding her? I'm more happy to share. The latest time we tried to talk about her treating me like offal was when I was under a great deal of stress. I came to her room, rather cold at first, and then tried to ask just why the hell things were like the way they were now and why she couldn't be at least sympathetic to the fact that I still had the cross I bear that she gave to me (Alanis, now there's bitter). I apparently was looking up rather pleadingly and she mentioned a few things mingled with my comments. First was, "y'know, looking at me with those big, puppy dog eyes makes me want to take the tip of a high-heel shoe can TWIST it in your heart," or "do you know how many times we've had this conversation? Hmm? I bet I could have a tape-recorder running and you'd say the exact same thing," and my personal favorite "well I wouldn't be so mean if you weren't so fucking pathetic." Yes, she drammatically bit her thumb on that one and a few others I didn't catch. Maybe someday she will be rewarded for her kindness and patience in putting up with my "pathetic" attempts at trying to be her friend and find the love she allegedly held for me.. by, say, encountering someone else who has that very same kindness and virtue of heart (if and when she and her boyfriend come close to one another for an extended period of time, I assure you this possibility will come...she likes decay and it happens around her quite readily).

Oh yes, who would encounter multiple other women to prove to her the extent of his virtue like she did to me and the boyfriend she still cheats on now. I would add more, but there is no point. If you know her, you don't know her like I do, my friends. She isn't cute, she isn't loving, and most of all she isn't trust-worthy. She knows herself as well as a dark hole: no end, no beginning, just black.

I've recently gotten over the whole fiasco and I still find myself asking, "why?" sometimes. It's very silly, yes: either these women weren't over their last boy or that they found/re-discovered them. Never, ever try to date someone who is with someone: they will kill you emotionally without a second thought. She certainly did in many ways or tried to.

What I find that ripped my heart open was the almost methodical way she'd target me and noone else to unleash every hurtful, nasty, and incredibly negative feeling she was having. She "didn't treat me like other friends" because I wasn't a friend: I was a convenient punching bag of her guilt, another fucking symbol.

There are points where I loathed her with a passion, others where I almost wanted to try to be friends again...but it's just acid, nothing but acid.

So that's my love life: brambles, thorns, and my blood mixing with the earth as I pass into the same bush of nettles again and again. I gave up on it and, while it hurts not to be with someone, I'm scared to death of the next person I might fall for. God only knows the horror after having dealt with Miss E. So, I'm single and I decided to marry my work. She's ok as far as relationships go: demanding, not very forgiving, but she and I have good chemistry. I think I'll tie the knot when I get to grad school, even get an engraved wedding band. Of course, that'll attract even more Miss E's, but I can hide behind my ironic choice and just say I'm married and I'm faithful. At least my work will never cheat on me, flippantly deciding to stab me in the heart repeatedly while my friends watch and laugh at what seems like a cute jab. Did I mention she repeatedly cheated on me and still cheats on him? Yes, I was a casual fuck. Too bad she had the indecency to fabricate some emotions. Rolling over to me in the night and looking at me with that look, saying "I love you so much." How could I have believed it...then again, how could she have. Even I lie to myself, but she took it to the next level: she didn't even know. She believes her own fantasies until they become less useful, then rejects it outright for some newer model.

Since I still feel a bit bitter, I'll dedicate this to E. Wherever you are, I hope to God someone does to you what you did to me. You deserve far worse. Yet, I love her and all of the others, even if many of them didn' t treat me well. It's strange how you can love someone and yet not like them at all. Ironic, almost funny. But, at least I am moving on..and who knows, maybe I've finally learned not to fall for this type of woman. I pray it is so.

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