If the receiver is a lover, perhaps there is more of a berth given in terms of how much or how little you feel you can tender at any given time...

So, what if they are a friend? What if that friend is with someone? What if these feelings aren't necessarily romantic...just...expansive?

I've always had trouble physically expressing my affection for others. I'm rather effeminate in that regard: I like touch. Hell, I prefer it to sex to tell you the truth. You can snicker or think it's not true, but some of my happiest moments were in the arms of a friend or lover. It doesn't matter which, really, though it seems like you can only that sort of attention from the latter.

My problem stems from how much I let through that isn't already plainly obvious (as I've mentioned, I'm a very honest person in terms of expressing my feelings). I want to hug someone, hold someone, or just remind them that I truly enjoy their company...maybe even to give them some happiness when they need it...but, given circumstances, I just can't.

This stems from the now, really. I have these impulses just to be loving and affectionate and it's, well, wrong in the current circumstance. Some say you should act on your impulses, but the last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable or her boyfriend jealous, possibly spiteful. They're nice people and my selfish desires are just that: petty desires.

So why is it that I want to so much? Maybe it's a childhood leftover thing...maybe I'm just different from most people I know. I just..make people feel uncomfortable by getting that close. Maybe she, and others out there, know that I enjoy nothing more than making them happy or to laugh a little when they're down...then again, maybe not.

Sometimes burying your feelings or impulses is best. It's never easy for any of us, but I think self-restraint in the face of circumstance can save your ass, I suppose.

Special times are special times, though, and I figure problems will come and bother me of their own accord now and then when college starts.

I hope life finds you well wherever you are. It's a beautiful night out there, and I can just hear a hint of a party carrying along the distant breezes outside..

"The way of the warrior is death. This means choosing death whenever there is a choice between life and death. It means nothing more than this. It means to see things through; being resolved"

-Hara Kiri, Way of the Warrior

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