For those times, I recommend a few places that just require basic cable and a perverse, somewhat sophisticated sense of humor:

For cynics, satanists, and channel cyclists, the religious broadcasting station can offer hours of quality entertainment. Guffaw at overly dramatic assemblies of people doing very weird things at the behest of your favorite preacher to win favor with the Abrahamic God.

Not only can you play the intellectual snob or spiritual coneisseur, by you're inadvertently buying your own ticket to eternal torment and condemnation at the eternal Hell of YOUR choice! I personally went with swimming in lakes of fire, followed by repeated flaying with fish forks graced with lemon juice and jalapeno extract. Gives you that nice exfoliated tan look. Fabulous!

Next, if you want to see a cute middle-aged gay man prance about for an hour discussing the finer aspects of interior design, I highly recommend the Christopher Lowell show, from 12:30-1:00 on the Discovery Channel. Nothing comes close to this man and his occasional penchant to dress as anything, from a cross-dressing cheerleader to an overly precocious wild-west adorned child who has an eye for drapery. You could just eat him to death and glut yourself to ooie, gooie morsel heaven. Yum!

For you artillery buffs, the History Channel at any time in the afternoon is wunderbar. World War II, World War II, and, you guessed it, World War II graces your lap with countless facts about tactical intrigue and those silly Germans just hogging all of the play-room. Get a life, fellas!

Last but not least, public access television. Now I know this is a bit of a stretch, but you can find some real gems in this ashy treasure trove with just a bit of experience. Now first you wanna find yourself a good theme, like political discussion, transcendental meditation, or bondage sluts discussing their latest porn flicks, and declare your consumer favorite.

This experience is really highlighted by your favorite kind of abused drug(s), which really adds mental decor to the whole thing. I could personally go with being slightly buzzed off of a vodka/grenadine combination lazily sucked from the flesh of a nubile young woman...but I end up using a glass instead; it's quicker and saves you money/favors you have to pay back.

Well that's it for today's edition of my programming tips. Be sure to tune in and turn yourself on next time the boob tube provocatively jiggles at you. Ta-ta for now; buh-bye!

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