I've been pondering these questions since I'm returning to college soon. There are the pitfalls of being trite in this regard, simply saying one will be fine, to be happy, and not to brood.

Well, I believe and revel in solemn brooding. Practicality is wedded to idealism in my mind, being optimistic about the cards you've got in your hand and what you can do with them.

Perhaps my concern doesn't make much sense to you; I'll explain why. Skim where you wish. To say I'm a hard-working college student is an vast understatement. Those of you who know me organically also know this is a vast understatement. Even though I study almost all the time, I get used to the work and I really enjoy learning.

The problem is what kind of person I end up becoming. Every time I've gone back so far, there's a small grace period where I think I can still be the person I was at home. Then, work comes and I usually feel...hmm...it's a combination of being lonely/empty and stressed out, driven by the shallow notion that success makes you alive.

The work itself, in an odd way, is all that fills and fulfills me while college is in session. While I used to have some very dear friends there, some have taken a leave of absence or simply disappeared from my life (even if I see them every day). I never saw anyone much, since studying took precedent over everything, including me.

I suppose all of us have to get used to feeling alone on a regular basis, but college always seemed too harsh to me. The classes are not the problem, so much, since they just require effort. It's the people.

They can't usually be vulnerable. When they do become vulnerable, they become so much so that they invite pain and torment. By and large, we're emotionally unstable and frightened in this extension of adolesence. I'm a bit different than most, but not by much in this regard.

Maybe it requires more "hanging out" time to solidify friendships, or perhaps I need to "learn how to have fun! Come on!" Unfortunately, who I am does not make shallow friendships easy.

All I know is that the person I've become here isn't usually angry, bitter, hateful, or stressed like wire over a violin. I enjoy life, my family, and the peace of mind I have now.

I don't want to see that go. I don't want to feel that emptiness, just having ambition drive me and nothing else. It's survival, not living.

I'm living now, and the thought of falling asleep again is horrific.

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"How can a sparrow know the will of a swan?

Can a sparrow carry out the same wishes as a swan?"

-Hara Kiri, Way of the Warrior

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