I can never lie to myself, can never run away. I am a beast of the night that knows my own scent too well. I hide amidst the trees, the bushes, underwater, yet I smell it's strong scent snort through its nostrils as it picks me up by the teeth. It reminds me of the statue demons in Ghostbusters, oddly, though neutral, not vicious. It looks me in the eyes, huge red slits glistening with an unspoken intelligence.

I want to run away from everyone at one point or another, to make myself a symbol that they can pray to or think on when they are in trouble. I have never felt like an individual, a human-being. I was put here to fulfill a role, to bring understanding to others through science and the realm of the unseen. I've known this since I was a child, even before I could consciously understand it.

The breath on the back of my neck is warm. I feel odd, being in these two places at once: the cub and the mother. I have remembered again that as much as I want to be that symbol, it is not that simple. I fade inbetween others, my words useful at some point down the line. I touch people and feel magnificent joy in showing them the love they are capable of, that I am capable of, through me, through them, us...you where you are now, even.

I am staring into the light, as if starring into the headlights of some car on a forgotten road. It's indistinct, my future, but I can make out the shape. On occasion I see someone waving to me. I know it's me somehow.

I often wondered what it would be like to live for myself and not for my destiny. If it makes sense, I gave up my sense of individuality to be closer to something, something that tells me things to tell others, to do things that can help even if they hurt. I've been a catalyst to many things: rebirth, death, joy, hate, sorrow, even unconditional love. Sometimes it comes to me, other times I let it flow between others when they ask...even at time when they didn't ask but I thought it was right.

This one string I put down is for her, Miss E, for the pain I don't want to feel, don't want her to feel anymore. I love her, can't ignore her..but I can say goodbye, to show her she's not as bad as person as she thinks.

I wrote this:

-----

E,

Something has long weighed on my mind in regards to you. It does not deal with the past, but is a product of it. It took me a long time to heal and let go, but I did some time ago and do not wish you harm; quite to the contrary. Rather, I would like to discuss something with you, or rather gauge your opinion about something. I feel talking to you about it is better than simply trying to ignore you, as I have tried but can no longer do because of pain. My conscience stalks me, telling me it is right to say these things, to come to a resolution about how we relate to one another. The point may be moot, given our past antagonisms toward one another other and your stated opinions about my character and words, but at the least I think it's better to come to a resolution rather than leave things taut like strained sinew.

I hope this letter does not leave you feeling that bile of which you spoke, nor other negative expectations or feelings. If so, that was not my intent and I apologize. Again, I mean no harm, I only wish to find a mutually satisfactory resolution. Please answer in kind as to what you think.

Regards,

A

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I will run again, I will find myself hanging from my maw, and the cycle will repeat. We learn slowly, myself perhaps especially.

I just want to give people joy, but I remember why I am here. It's not a burden to carry...just a city on a roadmap that I have to pass by while site-seeing.

Here's to you finding your city.

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