Getting up, though, I began to feel a bit better. I walked outside to go eat, since it's something to do on a saturday. I saw a few cheerleaders passing by, thin veils of clothing clinging to sleek angles of flesh. I thought of Miss E, since she's also a cheerleader, but dismissed the thought quickly.

I was at a loss for words when I saw her walking toward my direction. I'd figured I would just pass by and say nothing. She looked at me. She opened her mouth, said "hey" in a friendly tone and smiled at me.

I hadn't ever expected this. I was certain that we had an undisclosed non-aggression pact, the need for diplomatic relations a moot point. Yet here she was, addressing me as if I were a friend.

I walked on, not even bothering to look in her direction. I could feel more than see her walk more slowly, look back at me for a brief second. I could feel hurt. Why the hell did she choose to be civil now? Why not let it go as it was?

Then the thoughts came back to me again in a torrent. Every moving step, every second, just constant questioning. Why hadn't I said hello back? Could I? It all became tied to the question of "why couldn't we be friends again?" For some obscure reason, it felt like she had been reaching out to me and I had turned my back on her.

Most of me wanted to rush back and apologize, to say it was good to see her. I see her every other day, but you know what I mean. Why after all these months do I feel this pain? Why am I getting emotional over someone who ripped my heart out and abandoned me when I needed a friend the most? She lied to me, betrayed my trust, took all my words and turned them into spear-heads curving back around into me.

What would be the point of trying to be friends? So she can hurt me again with her caustic sarcasm? So I can spend hours in pain wondering why she treats only me so badly? No sane person would bother. My reason knows better. I know this whole emotional episode is fruitless, pointless.

I don't understand. Why do I love someone who did all of those things to me? Why in the hell do I feel so sad now? Why do I, more than anything right now, want to tell her it's ok but that I can't?

I get my perscription filled today. I just want the inner condemnation to fade to a whisper, to dismiss this self-destructive cycle.

Why the hell did she reach out? Why?

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