Starring at my stats counter triggered a strange cascade of thought just now. Many people I know used to read this thing, couldn't get enough of it. It slowly seems to be falling into the mire. It's odd how for all of the subtleties you like to express, the basic picture always comes through in one way or another. Reading over some of my entries months ago, I can see a "me" emerging from one of those 3D collage paintings.

My diary reflects my life. Can't really call this a life nowadays. I work and study almost all day except to eat and sleep. What I call sleep most people call an extended nap. I'm exhausted, drained, and all around me I see people enjoying themselves and one another. I'm in survival mode again. I'm having fantasies about mentally and physically abusing myself. I keep trying to stand up, but get knocked down. Still crawling through the mud, still gasping for air.

To be honest I want to crawl into a small hole, have some cobwebs drapped over me and turn into a grey insect, frozen in time. I'm so sick of all of this, of having to constantly push myself to being physically sick just to keep ahead. I can't do this for another 2 months. What the hell can I do? I should study 'til 5am, but it's only 3 and I'm so damn tired. Maybe I need to start doing speed again. That helped last year, maybe I can score some this year.

Just a little longer, just a little harder, more pulling, more stretching, drawing and quartering myself like a god damn idiot in all directions.

I wonder when the real pain comes.

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