I couldn't believe it: I had woken up wide awake and alert. I have more power over my body than I ever have before. I'm starting to see again how I can use pain and anger to manipulate myself, replacing the negative parts with polished chrome calm. I was fighting a war with one hand. Hatred, lust, pride, chattering insect thoughts, all of it is my backup fuel cell, my offhand to juggle magic tricks and intellectual warfare. Through pain comes unity of self; primal, powerful. Any monk can tell you that.

To be truthful, I feel quite alright today. I made the resolution that I can and would accomplish what I set out to do, no matter what the cost. I was upset about my humanity, about others, about the damned visions that swept me up continually. Then it all vanished and all that was left was me. In Paul Atreides words: "Pain is fear, and fear is the mind-killer, I will let fear pass through me until there is nothing left but me." I was afraid. Now I'm determined.

I thought I had been lost all this time, losing my edge. Conflicts washing over like great tsunamis, people springing into my mind. One time I imagined myself sitting on a stage, with my professors and others I know walking up to me slowly, whispering "tick tock, tick tock" into my ears. All of them, smothering my lungs in torrential downpours of parasitic acid. Now I see the power flowing around me, streams of magic for me to control. The spear in my gut is now in my hand.

Maybe I've set my sights narrowly, but I still realize I need people. That I know. I can't be a machine. But I can be unified. That unity comes from pain.

I rediscovered that single-minded, wonderfully powerful drive. Last night I looked up and I couldn't have told you what barriers were, what emotion was. I was consumed whole by what I read, remembering the specifics easily.

You think I've gone mad. Well I might partially agree with you. Circumstances bring us to commit horrible atrocities not only to others, but to ourselves. For what I need to do, for what cannot bend, I will bend with it like a willow. All great people have adjusted themselves to fit the times and find in themselves what resonates best. I don't think I'm great, but I am capable.

Let it come. I'm ready.

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