I remember hundreds of people, things I've said, the comments, the questioning...all of it had some purpose for them in the end. I'm short-sighted usually, but there's something about problems that aren't mine that compels me to say something.

I used to do plenty, too: stand between friends and try to resolve things for them, hold people as they nearly bled to death, eased them off a really bad trip, a relationship, anything that was a shock to their system. Best story yet is saving someone's life by changing their long-distance carrier for them; swear to God.

I've always felt...permanent somehow, stable on the inside no matter what happened. It attracts alot of people from different walks of life. I know all this sounds trite probably, but strange shit happens all the time in weird patterns. My computer crashing to remind me to go to bed, for instance. Damndest thing: at around 3-4am, it winks out for no reason, no matter what it's doing.

In the end maybe it's just the words that make a difference. Connecting a name or a person to an idea, or a change in life doesn't happen often. It fades. Sortof a strange philanthropy: you give to an organization and you become a plaque or a name on a sheet cast in bronze. You're there, but set against everyone else on the same ground. Anyone else looking on pays as much attention to you as the others.

Still, you learn about yourself through others and that's distinctive. Helping others extends you into different situations you might never be in, so you see how you might respond. In a way it's like experiencing what they experience, only from a distance.

It's early, I'm waxing philosophical, and I'm wondering if all this sounds like me trying to talk through my ass. But hell, what do I have to worry, it's just the words. The name doesn't matter in the end.

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