I thought I'd be able to enjoy my last semester, not have to work much. It ends up that I put just enough on my plate so that I don't go mad.

But it's the routine that kills me. I'll walk you through some of the details:

I wake up 2 minutes before my alarm, lay back down in bed for 10, get dressed, go to the science centre, buy a 20 oz. Dr. Pepper. Go through classes, have the same Full Metal Jacket sequence go off in my head. It's the obstacle course and I can't see shit, just sortof half feel around what I need to do next.

Lunch is the same, conversations and all. I check out the same dozen some odd women I always look at.

Another 5 hours of studying or doing errands. I'm always surprised when dinner actually comes, like it's supposed to be this far off distant thing I can do after I'm done working.

Dinner is the same, though I almost always eat alone. I despise eating around large groups of people. Social anxiety, maybe, it's just that all those voices, the food gnashing under their teeth, the smiling, God it bugs the hell out of me. I give myself 10 minutes tops and I'm the hell outta there.

Where the rest of the time goes I have no idea. I'm usually studying, but then I get distracted, decide to write something here, check my email. At the end of the day I never feel accomplished, even if I worked for most of it.

Other routines:

*Three times a day I go to the student union to buy a smoothie or a coke or something.

*I wear all white or all black on a given day. These alternate depending on how long it's been since I've washed my white pants (I never wash any darks; haven't for months).

*I inevitably lose or misplace something and spend an hour trying to find it. Today was my calculator. Yesterday was a book, the day before something else...

*Colleen and I play message tag, where I send her something cute or nice and I anticipate what she'll say. I go back home once or twice a day just to see if she's said anything. Sometimes it makes my day, sometimes it seems like she's not doing well. I still don't understand why she means so much to me. I guess because she reached out and helped me for a change.

*It takes me exactly an hour to fall asleep and I'm always afraid to lose consciousness.

*I pray every night in a weird way. I ask God to let me wake up "refreshed, relaxed, doing ok," something like that. That always comes first, because work is supposed to always come first. I sometimes ask for everyone I've ever known to get help if they need it, or a specific person. Whether or not the person hates or loves me is irrelevant. Maybe it just gives me piece of mind, but it's a small way of remembering the connection I thought I once had to spirituality. I think gave that up too, or at least forgot.

Lastly...I regret. Yeah, woe is me, I know, but I have to really work at remembering something positive. All I can see are my failures and short-comings, what'll keep me from getting what I want. Maybe it's not healthy, but that's the way I think.

Back to studying when I should be asleep.

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