Huh, motherfucker.

I apologize, but nothing else conveys the feeling. With one exception, I did fairly well. It's way below my usual standards, but everyone did badly on this thing.

The one question I thought I got right was completely wrong. Maybe I can argue for some more points. Heh. I'm doing that later this morning for that bio. test.

I wonder if there's more to life than this. I don't mind it, kindof enjoy it usually...but sometimes it seems limited. Does it seem limited to you? Sheltered maybe? I suppose all college students, any student is like that in some way. I like to think I'm different or special, but I know I'm not. I'm filling a necessary gap that someone of like mind or ability would fill, as a student, a teacher or your friend...and I wonder if my believing that makes me different. I know thinking about it doesn't; plenty of people think the same things I do. It's a funny state: I matter a great deal, but I don't matter a damn at all at the same time.

I just look at people and I see the same entity interacting with itself.

I'd like to think there's something else besides words and physical contact being exchanged back and forth. The patterns seem too predictable, motives too limited. If I cared enough I'd develop this intuition and make money or get more meds to block it out. I like life, but I wonder if it's different from people that just seem to be living and feeling it without thinking. I can't imagine life without thinking about everything...and I mean everything.

I try imagining life like sitcoms attempt to depict it, or what other people complain/talk about. Life just seems so simple and clear-cut to me. Maybe the world is black and white to me. Yeah, it is, but in an odd way. It's when you can see all the white and black mixing in different ways to make all the grey areas that you get confused.

Maybe I'm just being overly abstract because I'm tired. I just wonder if this obscure longing feeling I sometimes feel is what I really need to pursue...or if this simple lifestyle is just it.

The thought is comforting and disturbing.

previous - next