They want me to answer a series of questions: how I heard about the lab, how long I would work there, what interests me about their research...the list goes on, punctuated by an emphatic ending asking if we could conduct a phone interview.

They're interested...highly interested. No sentence structure or word choice can hide that from me. I can smell their anticipation without seeing it.

I think anticipation is linked to fear. It's only the degree of how much you like what you're unsure of. Emotions are strange like that, especially when opposing feelings linger side by side within you.

Speaking of emotions a friend's post touched something inside me, but not the usual way. He spoke about being a good person and that a bad person was one who was indifferent about his/her actions and the consequences.

From his definition I used to believe in being 'good,' but it seems...outdated, out of place. Perhaps it's my paranoia again, but I only see survival and how to attain it. Seeing people as people is a luxury I can't afford sometimes. They become resources, for social, academic, or other reasons. I have my needs, they have theirs, it's sometimes simply a question of bringing the two in line...or making them think that.

I think a degree of indifference is necessary...no...optimal for survival. I see and talk to tens of people who bury themselves in carpets of scars or layers of self-denial trying to stick to this idea of being "good." Is the price even worth it, even if it may be an illusion for some people?

Call me a sociopath or a monster, but I can't follow an idea that is self-defeating. It may lead to enlightenment for some...maybe peace, self-realization...but it seems to get in my way nowadays. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance...freedom from what (or who) I don't know.

Maybe that's the sign that I'm changing, even if I still cry about it...and to tell you the truth, it's about time.

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