Getting up to the room we just lay there, holding one another close. She asked a few questions about me, I about her. The answers passed in whispers as we starred into one another's eyes, looking for mysteries and past revelations etched into the irises. Her eyes are a breath-taking expanse of blue and aqua-silver shards banding around one another. Sometimes I'm not sure what I see exactly. I'm glad she isn't scared of mine.

Off-topic, but it's amazing seeing a mother and child bond with one another. She'll just pick up Belle, smother her in kisses and start saying all sorts of adorable loving things. They both smile in this other-worldly way and I wonder sometimes if what adults said about children is true. I don't think I'll ever find out, but it's a truly beautiful thing seeing them together. Happiness is hard to find but they seem to have a pretty good grasp on it.

After an hour she scooted in closer, holding herself up on one elbow. She looked down and asked me why I wouldn't let her in. I thought about it a few moments and said that I honestly didn't know. I wish I understood how that worked or how not to put up walls against other people. I guess it just comes naturally after years of habit. I'm not used to people going out of their way for my sake. Maybe I work myself hard for reasons other than work. I'm trying to be open to her, and I think I was that night, but it's not easy for me to relax or not be scared.

We ended up going out to Denny's at some obscure hour, laughing and smiling over the weird thoughts that came into our heads. Somewhere in between ordering and getting our food Colleen hit me with the incredibly weird, though intriguing: I simply don't exist. At first I didn't get it. She went on to say that alot of people are a person and that somehow I wasn't, that I was a big ball of energy that just happened on all this organic and inorganic stuff to make whatever physical shell I had. It was kindof eye-opening. I've never felt particularly attached to my body or what happens to it...so maybe this idea had some truth to it. Heh. I was amazed because all the time she was just looking at me, lovingly smiling in that wide and all-consuming way. I know all of this sounds sappy as hell, but noone has ever looked that happy just to be with me.

It's nice to feel wanted and appreciated. I don't know how difficult it'll be changing back, though.

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