All this time spent...research, classes, walking to get my clarity and focus in a plastic bottle. Too much time, not enough time. All of it seems like some terrible war and I can't stand the thought. I haven't prepared enough, I haven't even taken a practice test yet. I can do that now, but I can get in only two. Two tries, maybe just one.

Overreacting? No. What I can do with my mind and what use I can put it toward is the only thing that ultimately matters. I don't want to etch something in stone just to see my name, I want it to help, inspire, to actually reach people in a way I as a human being or a friend can never do. It is the constant and it gives me meaning. It is that important to me. And to be deadly serious, it is the reason why I feel ok about living.

And over the years I get closer, inch my way there, and now one of the more important steps and I have to take it on faith...faith in myself and that I can not just be good enough, that I can be damn good.

I am running an obstacle course set up by bitter old white men to cripple their progeny and kill off the weak. I have no choice in the matter. It's...what feels right. All of us have our obsessive secrets, but the meaning of your own life is a bit of a kidney punch, no?

I can't ever say something irrational without knowing it an instant later. Fine writer I'd make, ugh. Maybe that's why I like all of this: it's the one thing I can be irrational about. I can do it, it'll be ok...I just have to keep remembering what Atreides said, "I will not fear, for fear is the mind killer." If I'm going to put my sanity into a pop-fi mantra, that's gotta be it. Fuck I needed to prepare more.

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