Recent Entries Garion born; thinking of doing video logs - 2012-09-01 I'm married, I'm a prospective father, wow I never update - 2012-05-22 Got the job at the NIA; mother complicates wedding plans - 2011-10-13 Scrawl - 2011-08-05 It's never been better - 2011-06-02
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Proving grounds 2002-07-16 - 4:25 p.m. 
I got a huge frightful kick in the ass today. All of the sudden I felt all those obsessive angry thoughts I had during college. I felt enraged all of the sudden, like I'd just woken up to rape. I could see it in my mind, molded in the shape of a man. His body was coated with rotting flesh, bald head blistering and radiating heat. His mouth opened and spewed noise across this empty plain. As it bellowed I felt barriers in me give away. I wanted to believe it was all gone but it's right here. I'm just peacefully living and it feels like a lie. There's no war anymore, not yet, just a possibility. I want it again. This man stands here and I want out of this transitional phase, whatever this limbo is. Part of me is tied down, unused. I can try turning it to something productive but fuck it's difficult. I'm angry at myself for just sitting around here and doing nothing. Ahhh, fortunately though I have a homework assignment. The UC Davis guy emails me, says he wants me to design this experiment and have it ready by friday. I "shouldn't worry too much," but I've got a feeling this is my admissions test. I expect the worst usually. I'm glad to have a real task at hand, but why would he ask this? I guess he wants to be absolutely sure I'm competent. Two days and change, I can do this. I can prove myself again.
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